Getting Emotionally Level
I was corresponding with a parent who had commented at my addiction journal. The reader mentioned how some days are more difficult than others when it comes to detaching and staying strong. My response email agreed that for all of us with addicted children, it is often an up and down battle.
The reader and I discussed how as parents we must work our recovery and try to stay off the emotional roller coaster that is tied to addiction. Recovery truly is work, and like work, there will be good and bad days. There are days when things go incredibly well, and days when things are incredibly bad.
The goal became for me to stay as emotionally level as possible. I work to never get too overjoyed when he is not using and not get too despondent when addiction days are not going well. This balancing effort truly helped me over the past few years as my son would relapse, put together some clean time, and then slip back to his drugs again.
The Serenity Prayer, with its simplicity and its power has helped me.
The words are simple, yet the power of the message has helped millions.
I remember in the times of my son’s drugged insanity, I would not hear from him for days. I would awaken in the middle of the night, hyperventilating, and worried where his addiction had taken him. “Is my son dead, Is he alive?” Then the Serenity Prayer entered my world and it began to level my emotions. I began to detach from the drama. Yes I still loved my son, and wanted nothing but good things for him. The prayer helped me finally realize there was nothing I could do to control this chaos. The life my son had chosen was his life and that was between him and his higher power. I would work on me, thus I began to work on my own recovery.
I began to level my emotions. When the “shit hit the fan,” I would mantra my new prayer more often. When things were better, I would not make the new parents mistake of thinking he was cured. Level was my goal.
Am I perfectly level? Hell no, there are days when I worry about my son’s choices … is he attending enough meetings, hanging with the “right friends,” etc.
Useless thoughts, again it is all his choice. It is at those moments of my weakness I begin to pray a bit harder. This attempt at leveling is life long work. We work our recovery one day at time.
Categorised as: Coping Skills, Journal Entries
I'm having a hard time feeling like kicking my 25 year old son out of the house is the right thing. He has been out for 5 nights, 6 days. He has increased his drug use and I fear for his life. I know I can't make him quit but out on his own all he does is drugs. If he would put the energy he puts into driving people around for drugs into getting clean he would have it made. I am really losing hope in him ever getting better. I guess time will harden me to the pain of losing him.
Thank, you, I need this too, as my daughter and I will be starting meetings, now that she is home.
It's a long journey, but so worth it……
Thank You for your encouragement.
Everyone, including me needs Serenity. I, myself are struggling with no job and Homeless. I struggle with feeling sorry for myself and not making changes in life. I’m struggling with needing answers if Florida or Colorado is where I should be for a job and make a difference with my son, who is 14 and is living with a sister in Florida and wants to come back with me. My twin in CO has a home for my son and I to live together since Florida sister will not let me live with her. There are so many reasons I don’t want to live in Colorado, the 2 reasons I want to is roof over my head and love my twin. Son will not see his dad if we move to CO. So change, is CO or FL the answer for me?!
God is good all the time.
I am needing all the strength I can get at this time , Amen.
when you struggled to find answers……
help me ,
I never cease to be amazed at how God directs my steps each day. I got up this morning with The Serenity Prayer on my mind so thought I would google it and read. That’s how I “stumbled” onto this page and I know the Lord directed me to your encouraging remarks. We, too, have a son who has been messed up in drugs for 20 years….so you can read between the lines and figure that our lives are pretty much like many of yours. I feel like we’ve ridden this emotional roller coaster so long that quite frankly, I am numb right now and realize that I need to be healed in my own soul. I am intrigued by this “detach” language….never heard that before. That’s a very hard thing to do emotionally…and in some ways physically, too. He does not live with us but goes from house to house of others, burning bridges when they’ve had enough. He lost his job, got a divorce and left our 2 beautiful granddaughters, doesn’t ever call or come around unless he needs money for something (cell phone minutes), and occasionally will just show up and act like he owns the house. Lately, I have taken to keeping my doors locked and not answering the door when I know it’s him. I used to feel guilty about that but have come to reaize that for my own sake, I cannot be around him. My husband is very supportive of me and wants to see me happy again…..and I WILL get there! Thank you all so much for your insightful comments and the encouragement you’ve been to me. We’re not alone out here and I intend to seek out others who have walked this path before us….and are still walking it to encourage them on their way also. The Bible says that “he who refreshes others, will himself be refreshed.” Thanks again and God bless each of you!!!!
Serenity Prayer..my favorite. Simple yet effective! God/Higher power works in mysterious ways..
Thanks for your kind words
Norma… our kids burn bridges, take captive etc etc . These are symptoms of the addiction. Do not feel guilt! You deserve happiness, we all do. Our kids are not malice based but rather driven by the puppet…
http://addictionjournal.net/?p=1398
I like that Bible verse you quoted..thanks!
Good Karma, Pay it forward
I had the police escort my son out of my house last week. I had to end the emotional roller coaster with him at home. I could never relax. Now I am told he is in a shelter waiting for a sober living house to open up. I feel a strange sense of peace. I will worry about my son and think about him, but I can no longer let the drama suck the joy out of my life.
Life is pretty good for me- I hope my son can find a good life too.
I have for what ever reason not yet memorized the Serenity prayer…but god only knows I say it everyday…I search in different places for it, and through my searches, I force myself to remind my self that I cant control this, didn't cause it, and cant and never will cure it….The serenity prayer is the center for my journey for my recovery…Its just how it works for me…so far so good.. Moe….when reading your comment…I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror….again thank you for reminding me…that I'm not alone at all ever in this life long journey.
I calm my soul by understanding that I must balance hope and reality. Not an easy task most days, but I am a work in progress myself. When I find myself a bit off balance, I allow that feeling for only just so long, then I get back to the “truth” statements that I have formulated for myself. “Truth is, I can’t control another”…”Truth is, these negative thoughts are stopping me from living any kind of life”…”Truth is, I need to be healthy so I can be of use to my addict”….”Truth is, I have other people in my life who are just as valuable and worthy of my attention”…and so on…these simple statements help me refocus and become more human than zombie like. “Truth is, if I can’t play an effective role in my addict’s life, that does not mean I can’t be effective in helping others”
your truth statements are very wise..thanks! you help many
I agree Elaine does help many as do you. I’m so glad that I found both of your blogs.
I’m feeling pretty level today, thank the Lord for that!
Please OH Please…
It took me three years to perfect it but I finally feel like I have conquered the detach with love thing. It was probably the hardest thing I had to accomplish. I used to think it was an impossible thing but now I think I have done it. For today anyway. I think when I kept refusing to get caught up in his drama again, is when it came to me.
To me …we never conquer completely. We work one day at a time..( like them ) to stay level. But refusing to get swept up in the drama is a good step towards your parental recovery! I am happy for you!
I try to use the Serenity Prayer to manage stress in all aspects of my life.
“Accept the things I cannot change” (or control). (i.e., weather, illness, other people’s actions or behavior).
“Courage to change the things I can.” (i.e., things within my control). I try to remember that making changes often requires courage.
“And wisdom to know the difference.” (For me, this is the key to stress management). Sometimes I have to think long and hard about what facets of my life I have no control over, and simply let it be.
Much stress arises from repeatedly trying to manage, control or impact those things that we have very little or no power to change.
Pam – for many parents we have to deal 1 hour at a time. Do not try to change everything at one time. Make changes in your life and that will affect his addiction.
For me I had to stop funding, phones etc . Those items become tools to be used by the drugging when our kids are active.
This is hard. Visit support groups, talk to friends.
Peace
I am a new parent. I am trying hard to distance myself. I am learning the hard way that he has to do this, not me. Right now there is a warrant for his arrest and I am trying to get him to turn himself in. He is still in a bad frame of mind and somehow, I think he is still using. I have cut off his funds, sold his vehicle (that I was making payments on) and turned off his cell phone. This is just so hard.
I remember those days clearly and try my hardest not to revisit them. My entire family’s life was centered on my addicted son. He was never out of my mind. I had a constant knot in the pit of my stomach. I laid awake nights trying to figure out what I did wrong, where I failed him and how I could right the wrongs and make him whole again. There were good days and bad days. I cycled up and cycled down with my son. Through education, counseling and support groups, I came to the understanding that I had to hand my son’s addiction over to him. Since those days, my family has greatly enhanced the quality of our lives. We now know that we can live a happy and fulfilled life in spite of my son’s addiction. We matter and our happiness matters! We are all working on our recovery, including my addicted child. In my opinion, recovery maintenance is the most difficult part of getting healthy. Not only is the addict open to relapse, but so are the family members. When I find myself in the throes of a set-back, I too rely on the Serenity Prayer and friends in the “know.” Like the addict, I feel it’s important that we family members also learn lessons from our relapses. Again, I would like to thank the woman behind the words of this journal for sharing her knowledge and life experiences regarding addiction. Extremely insightful and helpful!