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This blog is now on life support. The days of adding new content are few and far between. This is probably a good thing for me. I was far too consumed.
I learned much during my travels on this parent of addict journey. I learned no matter how much we as parents put into “saving” them the disease belongs to them. There is nothing we can do to stop it.
Much has changed since I started writing. Yet much remains the same.
My son is still sick. He has had good periods but overall the disease has consumed him, and anyone that wishes to be around him for over a decade. The disease, as with all our sick children, comes first. If you think you will take priority in your child’s life if they are still using, you are sadly mistaken. Take that from someone who learned that hard lesson first hand.
My son’s disease is bundled with bad life choices. Each night I shut my phone off, pray for him, and hope that I don’t wake up to some atrocity that he may commit as I sleep. Yes I sleep. You can too. You simply learn to accept that their destiny is out of your parental control and shut your eyes. Perhaps I don’t sleep as well as the parent of a Harvard Law graduate but I have come along way from those nights of hyperventilating.
I see some kids recover from this insidious disease and am happy for them. My son is not one of those in recovery. That is difficult to write but again..I accept. There are normal feelings of jealousy. Don’t think you are alone in your “recovery envy”. Many of us parents have those feelings very few admit to it.
People ask me how my son is doing. I don’t know. I really don’t ask him anymore. All the times I did ask him I got a bullshit lie in response.
I finally figured out that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who lies to me every third sentence. I hope to someday reunite with a healthy son who is completely clean and no longer lies. I have hope but it is very limited. VERY! But that is the dream I will try to hold onto.
I always wished my last post here at this Addiction Journal was a “hey i know its hard but look at my son his healthy and your can be too” but …no! that is not the case. My son is still consumed with his mental and spiritual malady. The drugs are merely a symptom of the bigger issues he refuses to face.
I have met many amazing people who taught me great lessons. I thank you all.
I pray each day for the little babies that will grow up in world filled with Oxycontin, Cocaine, and Heroin. God help them and their families.
My son is sick. That does not mean that I can not enjoy my life. I am surrounded by amazing people and a family who loves me. I feel badly for my son but have learned all I can do is pray. My hope is far more tempered that it was when I started this blog. But the flame remains.
As always will continue to pray for your child. I will pray for your families to get through the destruction this disease brings. I will pray for you.
I received a domain renewal offer from Go Daddy the other day. This, in a nutshell, is how the web serves out “addiction journal.net ” to the world. I am opting not to renew in October.
I started this addiction journal blog years ago and have met many great and supportive people. I have offered support, but received far more support in return. For that I am thankful to each of you that has helped me on my journey.
My points of view regarding addiction have changed over the years as I traveled my path as a Parent of Addict. I have written much.
My son is now 26. I still pray for him, but accept that his life is now completely his own.
If I had to offer one bit of advice … I would offer to the parents that are new to addiction …
You won’t control your child’s disease.
You must learn to step back and life your live. Do not sacrifice your life, you marriage, your health etc to their disease..it will have NO effect on their health.
These two concepts took me a long time to grasp. I must still work on them daily. In the past I read, I attended parent meetings, I blogged and wrote books, I lived his addiction.
Today, I simply want to live my life.
Sure I will worry and continue to pray for him. But I am powerless… and again I accept. There is no more calling the rehabs, checking his cellphone records, stalking his Facebook; as those are the tactics of Parents that are either new to addiction or have not accepted. We all must find our place in our own time.
I plan to buy another domain and blog about the funny stuff in life. The good, the bad, the ugly of day to day life. From commuting on the train to work, from my blended family to the love that I have for a very devoted wife. There is much to “blog” about.
I have blogged for years on the topic of addiction and what it does to a family. I feel repetitive and tired..thus need to walk away.
In the early days my posts were frequent …today I write about 1 x a week… I guess that is a good thing. It means I have accepted.
Again I have this domain name for a few more months and I will post a few more times. Although a ham and egger…I do enjoy writing. It is now time to write about something other than my journey
At this time I wish to thank you all for your support.
I have not written anything in a while, but an incident has me very upset as a parent and a parent of an addict. My son, my addict has been sober for 8 months this time. I was actually able to tell him I am proud of him recently, and it felt very good. He’s taking care of his children, paying his bills, and even bought a car. His license is restored, his warrant is squashed, and he is actively participating in his recovery. He is required by CPS (Child protective services) to take hair follicle tests whenever they request them and urine tests weekly. On top of that, the doctor who prescribes his Suboxone requires a toxicology test done before prescribing his medicine. If he fails any drug test for CPS, he will lose his children. If he fails for his doctor he will be kicked out of his rehab programs.
When he started using, there was a whole group of friends that used together. I do not know nor do I care to lay blame on who started who doing what. It doesn’t change anything at the end of the day. Most of the group has gotten sober, but a few still choose to use. The thing about this group is that most of these young men have known each other since high school or in some cases elementary school. The hardest part of this whole situation is to watch them struggle with each other. Some holding on to the friendship, some pushing everyone away but in each case the decision is made by the party. All of them are adults and I refuse to choose who my son socializes with. The problem that has me upset is that how as parent’s can we determine who is at fault for our child using Heroin? Is it the first person that they used with, is it the first dealer that sold to them, or is it something we did wrong as parents? They say 1 of every 3 young adult between 18-25 right now will use heroin. So is it something that was in the formula for those kids, or the water?
Another parent of one of these addicts approached my son in a very negative way over her son still using. She put all the blame on my son and made serious accusations to my son. This upset me greatly because she had my son in tears over her harsh words. I feel that if anyone needs the harsh words from her is her son. He chooses to do what he is doing. My son informed her of his successes and she put each one of his successes down. Even told him at one point to go drink a detox drink so he can pass his next test, and informed him that she works in the medical field and knows that is what he is doing. I also work in the medical field and have studied extensively on ways to “cheat” the tests and by all accounts you cannot change the blood that flows in your vein. I have also looked at the hair follicle test and now know it is also impossible to cheat on. My biggest problem with all of this is why tear someone else down who is trying to do what is right? Why continue the hateful words until you have someone emotional? I don’t think I could ever do this to another human being no matter what.
I was commuting to work the other morning at about 6:30 am. The transit doors opened a few stops down, and stumbling in, came a drunken man.
The tattered man staggered to the corner seat, babbling all the nonsense that men babble when completely intoxicated. The nervous stares from the other early morning commuters were passed discretely.
As he pulled out a bottle of Vodka and lit his cigarette I shook my head. I was completely terrified. I was not afraid of the man, but rather the lingering potential that my own son could end up in the “walking dead lifestyle”. They are not too far removed from eachother’s lives as they both share the same illness.
Did this man, throughly in the grips of alcoholism, come from a good family? Did his dad play baseball with him and force him to finish his homework as a child. Was he told “Just say NO?”
I was jolted back to reality as the train stopped and the doors opened. The lost human potential rose from his seat and staggered back into the humanity of the commute.
The whispers and jokes between the other commuters started the minute he left. I turned to the woman next to me and simply said, “That is a sad sad story” She nodded in agreement. I wondered what her insight was.
I then said an extra prayer for my son and a prayer for that man.
My son, like many other sons, does things that are not good for his life or the lives of others when he is using.
For some reason my son loves to preach on social media sites. He rants. At times, he is more dramatic than an 11 year old girl. Sometimes I think it’s the opiates, other times I think it is steroid rage. He posts some really offensive stuff at times with no regards for the feelings of others. And yes…He was raised better than that! That is not guilt speaking, that is a fact.
My addict son was asked to leave the home years ago and has not been back other than to visit. So in essence, his life is his own; as are the choices he makes. His drugging blew up the chance of living here a long time ago.
The other day he was talking sh*t online. I was asked by multiple people “is your son ok today?” I read the nonsense and took offense (as does everyone else in my family) I texted and asked him to remove the vile post.
His response to me was basically “FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. You don’t have a clue what you are talking about!! I don’t give a shit what people think”. Sounds pretty 12 step to me. (insert eyeroll here)
Well son, maybe I do, or maybe I don’t know anything, but my life was far more stable than yours when I was your age.
Over the years I have done a lot to “collaborate with recovery” and have been called “hardass” for the ways I have treated my son when he was using.
Today I do nothing for him nor will I try to manipulate his consequences. His consequences will rise up soon enough, as they always do.
I am both pissed off and sad. I wont take his phone calls nor will I allow him to visit. Im tired of his “attitude”. I am tired of looking into his dead eyes.
I am feeling pretty disrespected right now. Sure I get that his rants are the “drugs talking “ but guess what folks; Part of getting clean is making better choices.
Telling a father that has been their throughout your darkest hours to “FUCK OFF” is probably not a good choice and yes….with each of our choices there are consequences