I wrote a post yesterday about Distance vs. Detachment and one of the comments that was posted later in the day was very enlightening.
Lisa says:
May 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm
I only wish someone had presented this idea to me when I was new to all of this. I too struggled with the word detachment. We do ourselves a favor when we move out of our front row seat and instead take up residence in the balcony. From this point forward I’m done with the word detachment.
During the early part of my education to addiction someone had given me a poem called Life is a Theatre
Life is a Theatre
Invite Your Audience Carefully.
Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in your life.
There are some people in your life who need to be loved from a DISTANCE.
It is amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of – or minimize
your time with – those draining, negative, incompatible, ‘not-going-
anywhere’ relationships or friendships.
Observe the relationships around you.
Pay close attention…
After reading the words I went directly to USHER mode..I would be the one to delegate who sat where and when. I could not control my son’s addiction but I would try like hell to control the seating plan of those watching! These words were interpreted to fit my control freak flaw perfectly!
Then Lisa’s words above hit me… I could move my seat. I could stop trying to control and simply distance myself.
Thanks for your wisdom Lisa! I just hung up my seating usher’s cap.
In past years, when my son was actively using, I have asked him to leave our home. I think the first time he left he was nineteen years old. That was a dark and difficult period.
I was commended at a local support group I attended at the time for my ability to DETACH. It felt weird.
A few years removed from that period and a few relapses deeper, I have learned the term “detaching” is thrown around at support groups. Detachment is word thrown around but often times never dissected.
For me a better word is DISTANCE. I learned to love distance!
Both mentally and emotionally I could never completely DETACH. He was in my heart, head and prayers. He is my only son and I love him unconditionally. How does one cut off “UNCONDITIONAL” love? I wouldn’t do it… ( but I wouldn’t enable or love him to death )
Thankfully I discovered DISTANCE. I would love him from a distance. I would carry the hope that he would adjust his sails.
I could distance my self from his insane phone calls. I could distance myself from the stealing, lies and manipulation. I could distance my life from his drug use. We can get off the insane drug addiction merry go round and watch from a distance.
To this father detaching seemed so final. I have been taught there is always hope. I believe there is always hope. For me if I completely detached I would have given up hope. That is not my style!
Thus …distance became a tool in my recovery. I hope this tool is passed on today!
As the green chip hit the granite of my kitchen counter, my son shot me a proud look. He had flipped the chip at me with a boyish smirk.
The 3-month chip skidded to a stop right before it hit the floor. I guess the many years of flipping the beer bottle caps has developed an unusual skill set.
Attending a local AA meeting last eve he was given a 3 month sobriety chip. He has been at the 3-month mark multiple times. Far too many to even remember. The last time he amassed 3 months of “1 day at a times” it blossomed into a 2 year run of peace in our home.
My girlfriend and I smiled back and thought how far he had come in short 3 months. The chaos of his active addiction that resurfaced during the Christmas Season was anything but the gift we wanted for our holiday.
Today the weather is much warmer, the Impatiens are planted, Rhododendron are blooming, and my son is healthier than even the days of his 2 years of sobriety.
We sat around the table in the backyard talking about the good times, the not so good times and appreciated the moment that we were in. We all have learned that sobriety is about the “Present”.
Under the moonlit skies there was no parental gaming or manipulation on either parent or addict’s part. There was simply an acceptance and thankfulness for a family time filled with far more joy than any Christmas I have ever experienced.
For those parents that are still struggling with enabling. Please watch the embedded video.
I pray that this young woman recovers. The next time your active in addiction child “borrows” ten dollars for the movies… please review this video again. Is it worth it. You must begin to stop collaborating with addiction! Or not…
Some will advise the following regarding enabling…”In your own time” or “Progress not perfection”. They are absolutely correct and those are “paths”. I will suggest “THE TIME IS NOW”! If you are contributing / collaborating stop! ( or not )
Making hard changes takes courage and strength. You can choose to slowly progress but those who choose to lend an active addict money…. can face life changing consequences. The choices and consequences are yours.
Sally …thank you for posting. I truly wish her health and a speedy recovery! I will pray.
Our women folk have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that
he is to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment means the opposite.
p.122 Big Book
It is interesting as I begin to read the the Big Book, how things are written from the “husband is an alcoholic” point of view. I never thought I would have the words “woman folk” written at this blog.
However is it when I get past the “husband-isms” that I begin to interpret, apply, and thus learn. For me embracing the theories are what matters, as they help me with my recovery.
When my son first returned from various rehabs and early attempts at sobriety I would do cartwheels to keep him happy. As a newcomer it was plain as day ” With his happiness came sobriety.” Within his sobriety the family found peace. There was no way in hell I was going to trigger his relapse. Being a selfish bastard I continued my cartwheels.
I have heard many other parents mirror the same thoughts and fears. Their phobia is they will cause a potential relapse. In our sickness we shower them with haircuts, sneakers, iPods and use every chip we can to bargain with the addiction. If we are good parents and negotiate properly, we will not be revisited by active addiction.
Then I woke up after God knows how many relapses. I learned the hard way that bargaining simply does not work. It is nice to find justification in the BIG BOOK. Perhaps if I had read the book when he was in active addiction I would have saved both of us some pain.
My son threw an AA phrase at me a few years into his early attempts to address his “allergy to booze and drugs.” He looked up and reminded me to live “LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS”. There is no bargaining or negotiations by those of us who sit on the sidelines of their war. It is our children who must negotiate with the person staring back from the mirror and the disease the hopes to take the both down.
Do not wrap them in cloth or put them on the pedestal. Life ..on life’s terms. No more cartwheels.
peace and strength.
(For those following my son’s path..he is doing well and is taking care of his disease. Today is a good day.)
*if you feel this post will help another parent please feel free to link or share
I wrote a post yesterday about Distance vs. Detachment and one of the comments that was posted later in the day was very enlightening. 
