Life at our home moves on, and although I miss him, this is the nature of both addiction and life as they constantly change. At the house the girls are doing well, the dog is getting very old, and I am pretty happy overall. (Except for that nagging addiction issue that plagues my son.)

I was watching TV the other night and thought, “I wonder how many different mattresses my son has slept upon since his addiction started back in high school?” I would wager that I am not the only parent of an addict that has had such a thought.

Counting the various rehab/ sober homes/ not so sober places and God knows what else, I am positive he has an abnormally high “mattress count”.

Our addict children have become society’s gypsies and often rest their heads when they can.

I only began to hear the term “couch surfing” when my child fell ill to the disease of addiction. It’s a term that many parents use in the halls of Al Anon and all the other tiny support groups that dot this country. We are now dealing with a country filled with couch surfing gypsy children. This is a truly sad situation.

Today my son couch surfs safely, and for that peace, I am very thankful.

peace and strength

I get a phone call from him every few days and I tend to listen more than lecture at this point.

I now call these conversations “Quickies”

We all should learn to perfect the art of the “Quickie” when our children call us from their various incarceration facilities.

My quickie recipe is as follows:
When things are flowing in a healthy manner in our conversation I tend to listen and give more of a back and forth chat.
When his “addict mentality” kicks into the gear I quickly point it out (call him on his sh*t) and end the conversation with ” Ok this is an example of not so healthy thinking, I’m going back to my life. Please think about this example of your “stinkin’ thinking”. The length of most phone calls from my son last under four minutes these days. The durations of our calls are very short but I need to keep distance as a tool in my recovery.

I hope this makes sense. New parents should try the “quickie”, as it’s not a bad thing in this arena of addiction and recovery.

At this point I am done trying to seduce my son into sobriety by offering him all the gifts life has to offer. My waiving the carrot days are over. ( Click for a post about carrots ) If he gets it, he gets it, and I will be happy. If he remains on his current path, the inevitable will befall his life. I pray for his health.

Right now my son’s “stinkin thinking” is in full bloom. His brilliant plan to be released to the first “program” that comes along regardless of that program’s history. Genius, truly genius.

He is mentioning a facility that has a horrific reputation in our community. I advised him that this is another example of his twisted thought process. Getting out quickly to a sh*tty home rather than waiting for eight weeks for a quality home is just one example of his “stinkin’ thinking”. But I no longer sell sobriety and use the “Quickie”

Is there anything different I can do as a parent? No! He needs to figure it out. I can only use the Quickie to keep my mind and emotions in a healthier place.

“Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day” – Ann Landers

peace and strength!

“Band aid” -by April P.

Kids think band aids heal wounds. They rest easy when you apply one to their skin. My story is about being a human band aid. I am the mother of six children, ranging between 19 years and 2 yrs. My children lived with their grandmother for 10 years while I recklessly lived in addiction, while I failed to call, while I failed to show up for visits, while I sat in jail and rehabs. They did all the things kids the other kids did; played sports, went to school, went to church and hung with their friends. At night though, they went to bed minus a mother and father. I hate to imagine the thoughts that plagued them. Wondering, always, were their parents ok?

The focus of this article will be on my oldest son, Benny, who is now 19. The government removed him and the other kids from my care when Benny was 6 years old. From that day, until he was 16, I had no real relationship with him. I was sure that there would be no band aid big enough to cover the wounds I had caused.

At 3 years clean and sober, I got the biggest reward of my recovery. A judge gave them back to me. Finally we were all under the same roof again and we lived happily ever after, is what I would like to write but unfortunately, it is the truth that sets me free. The truth is Benny was not happy. I apologized. I spoiled him. I made him as comfortable as possible. He resented and avoided me. Being a mother, I looked past it and wallowed in the guilt of my past indiscretions, putting a band aid on it, so to speak. As an ostrich stuffs his head in the sand, as did I, with my first born son.

As I tried to shelter him, he was getting high and drunk. I caught him a couple times and put my foot down. If he came home like that again, he was going to have to move out. So he continued to use and drink behind my back. Using recreationally did not work for him. One night after I had returned from a meeting, there he sat, high as a kite, on the couch! This was the last straw. The band aid was off! Under the band aid were a lot of issues that were his, not mine! He had every reason NOT to do drugs! His childhood was terrible because of it. Yet there he was, my son, a budding addict, right in front of me. That night I realized that all my spoiling and helping and apologizing were futile. He was a man now who was not manning up.

That night I tossed and turned. Being the control freak that I am, I was trying to think of how I could help Benny. Eventually his father popped into my head. His father now has multiple years clean and is living about 45 minutes away. I knew that, even though I didn’t particularly like the idea of his father having to “help” out, I may have to ask for it. The next morning I told Benny either he went to rehab or go stay with his dad for a while. On the surface I played tough but inside I felt like a failure again. Had I made his life worse by bringing him under my roof?

Thank God for Recovery! While working the program I learned about boundaries. I had drawn a line for Benny. He had stepped over it. If I allowed him to continue on that path under my roof, his wounds would only deepen, and he would never change. In my opinion, he was an adult now. He needed to get out on his own as much as I hated to accept it.
I was being a Band aid trying to protect my son from pain, covering the obvious. In order for him to heal, I would have to get out of the way, let him out into the open air of truth. So after choking down my pride, I called his father, who was more than willing to help.

Benny packed all of his stuff. We put it in the trunk and headed for his father’s house. Before leaving he pulled the last guilt trip on me by saying, “You left me when I was little and now you’re gonna leave me again.” Ouch. That hurt. I told him that I wanted him to be a good man. He would never be anybody if he stayed with me. He rolled his eyes. A couple weeks went by and he would not answer my calls or texts. That really hurt. Knowing that he was safe was paramount and I rested easy knowing I did the right thing.

I cleaned his room after he left. Kids don’t clean their rooms in general but this room looked like no one had lived in it, ever. A layer of dust coated everything so thick; I don’t know how he even saw the TV. It looked as if he just sat up there, like a statue, vegetating, as life was passing him by.

I went to see him, at his dad’s, a couple weeks later. He met me outside. I got a hug. His eyes were bright, brighter than they ever were before. We had a conversation! A real one! He has affiliated himself as being an addict and is going to meetings, etc. I hate to think of my Benny calling himself an addict but if the shoe fits, I guess he will wear it. I pray that he wears recovery well.

As for me, I miss him every day. I am thankful for the ability to see my own defects in action. Being a band aid is one of them. Live and Let Live is my new goal. I am allowing my son to live out in the open air of life! It will have to be his choice how he lives! Not mine.

We watch as our neighbor’s children,our nieces, and our nephews graduate college and begin their adult life. As we congratulate the graduates another emotion lurks within the weeds of our battered psyches; ENVY

We are envious of the parents that raised kids that successfully followed a more mainstream path and wonder why our “kids” didn’t do it. We understand they have a disease yet ENVY bubbles deep below our congratulatory smiles.I am not writing to justify the emotion of envy. However I know that this jealousy is a legitimate emotion carried by many parents of addicts.

I struggle less with ENVY today than when my son’s friends were having their high school and college graduation parties. It was tough for me back then as I wanted nothing more than for my son to have a “great life” that had education as one of its cornerstones. Time has passed on our addiction journey and I have better “recovery” tools than back then. I don’t have the ENVY monster completely in check but I can at least “intellectualize” the beast.

I have accepted that his journey is a different one and that I no longer set the “pavers” on his path. Time will tell where his story takes him.

ENVY; I write not to legitimize the emotion but to merely say that “ENVY HAPPENS”.

Are you ever envious?

Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind.
Buddha

Peace and strength

Late last week I was told he had a seizure and fell and broke a tooth. That bothered me, as my son is a pretty good-looking kid when he is not strung out. I will be interested in seeing how much damage was incurred. As the dental disaster was relayed I thought “Weren’t these the teeth that we had braces put on so many years ago? My how times have changed.”

I was reminded that consequences come in all shapes and sizes.

I have had minimal contact with my son during the time he has been in this facility and I actually make an effort to keep our conversations short when we do speak. As much as I love my son I am enjoying this court ordered “time out”. Like most POA’s, I need some time to recharge my battery.

The few conversations we have had have been about “where his worldly possessions are” after the exit from his “not so sober home”.

I remind him that he needs to work on his next “stop” as he is not coming home and the goal right now for him is twofold
1. get sober
2. find shelter while you get sober

I have yet to hear the “AH HA” moment that all parent of addicts love to hear. I am not sure if this is his bottom or the end of his drugging. As a parent of addict I will wait for an “AH HA” moment that may never come. But…

Today is a good day.

Peace and strength

Do not dwell in the past, do not dwell in the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
- Buddah

My son is still on a “time out” in a court ordered commitment (called Section 35 in Massachusetts) I have not spoken to him in a few days and hope he is addressing his issues. During my last update I was told he had a “seizure” and had fallen and broken a tooth. Consequences can come in all shapes and sizes.

On Mother’s day I thought about him more than once. I am sure his late mom would not approve of the path he has taken since her passing. I pray often that she “intercedes” in his disease.

I often read both the Big Book of AA and quotes from Buddah. I used to read sports stats far more often but this addiction journey has taken me on some unusual paths over the last few years. Buddah has replaced the Bruins in this Dad’s life.

The quotes I read often advise me to “Stay in the Day”. It’s sound advice that has helped me often.

The missing money, iPods, arrests, overdoses, and typical chaos tied to my son’s heroin addiction have past. There is not a damn thing I can do to change his history.

I am taught not to worry about the future as that is also an element I can not control. Where will he stay? Where will he work? Will he work? Will he stay sober? These questions are totally out of my control.

Acceptance — damn that is a hard concept for a control freak. The sooner we learn ( as POA’s) that we can not control their addiction the faster our own recovery will progress. Put that puck in your recovery net!

Anyone seen the sports section?

Peace and strength

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people -
page 52 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Today is probably one of the toughest days for a mother of an active addict to endure.

Mothers, as much as they are told not to, blame themselves for their child’s addiction. Parents are told about the “THREE Cs of addiction” and how we did not cause it, yet we still wonder. “What if I had raised my child differently” “What if…” ?

Today, as all the “normal” children bring flowers and candy their moms, “we ” sit in the silence brought on by addiction. There are no flowers; the phone remains quiet and the tears stream down tired faces.

As many times as you have been told this please remember-
They are too sick to think about “Mother’s Day” The only relationship they will work on is the partnership with their addiction. Right now (and things can change) no one else matters, including their loving mother who brought them to life. As difficult as it may be remember how sick your child truly is today!

To the moms who read this blog – “Happy Mother’s Day”

Peace and strength

related post – http://addictionjournal.net/?p=1367

As a parent who has tried to collaborate with recovery, I lie in bed at night and continually wonder “What’s next?”
I have left no stones unturned as I tried to assist with my son’s search for sobriety. It has been a long game that has gone into overtime.

I have watched him emotionally torch every person that ever truly cared for him. Yes, I understand “relationship sabotage” is what addict’s commit, but the wake of his destruction is vast.

He has about two weeks to sort out his “shit”. I have contacted the facility to let them know that he will need to move on to further treatment. Our home is no longer an selection on the menu in my son’s life. He is far too dangerous, dishonest, and manipulative to live under our roof.

Will he get it this time? Will he move on? Will he continue to seek sobriety? Does he even want to be sober? Does he know how many people he has hurt? Does he care? Is he a sociopath? Can he find recovery? Will I ever believe his words again? Will he end up incarcerated? Will he die?

I could fill this blog with the thousands of questions that race through my mind each night. Projection is and always has been one of my greatest “POA” recovery weaknesses.

I will attend a “family meeting” next week and let them know that my son’s family is at the end of the road of their assistance. The disease belongs to him. I pray this time he will do an “about face”. This is not a 17 year old kid new to the “game” My son is a hardened drug addict.

As each day passes I strengthen. I will work to “accept the things I cannot change“. I simply hope that the pending change is not catastrophic.

Peace and strength

First, I know far too many faces and names of the people who work in our local court system. Seven years of unwanted introductions have left their names charred into my remaining brain cells. I am sure other parents that have been on this journey for a period of years also know the names of the staff in their local courts. Again these are names I never wanted to know.

Secondly I watched as the “Babies in ties” paraded by. These are the youngsters just starting out in the world of addiction. Mom and Dad are still paying for new neckties, new shiny shoes, and fresh suits, in an effort to look respectable for the judge.

Their baby faces are not yet hardened from years of drug abuse. Some of the babies will turn their lives around others will continue on a fast track to addiction. Mom and Dad’s wallets eventually close. ( After being stolen numerous times)

These baby faces are cute for now. They think they are the toughest bad asses in their local high school but have yet to face the hardness that awaits them on the other side of the addiction doorway. I pray for their “about face”.

My son was a baby a long time ago. Today he is hardened as he has yet to do an “about face”.

Peace and strength

The State of Massachusetts has a law where blood relatives can request a civil commitment for their addict/alcoholic relative. More information here – LINK

It is a travesty that other states do not offer something similar in a country where addiction fatality numbers rise each day. Families in Massachusetts are lucky to have such a resource.

The good news today was I was able to “Section” my son successfully, and he is locked up safely away from his drug of choice this evening.

Going to pick up his clothes after the completion of court, I was again greeted with yet another battlefield of his addiction. Syringes, crack pipes and filth were strewn wall to wall in the alleged sober home where my son used daily.(Sober homes, another topic for another day.)

My son is probably pretty damn sick this evening but far safer than he was in this pretend sober home. Tonight he is alive.

He will be sectioned for a few weeks minimum, which will give him a “time out” from the addictive behavior. Time to regroup. Time to start a new chapter.

Peace and strength.