“Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.” — Virginia Satir
Stress is an unavoidable part of life, and how we respond to it can make all the difference. In training peer support teams—employees who assist coworkers during times of crisis—one exercise consistently reveals a surprising truth: Most people can name only about four coping strategies. This is concerning given that 83% of U.S. workers report experiencing workplace stress, and nearly 76% say stress negatively impacts their relationships (American Institute of Stress).
The Problem With Hoping Skills
Beyond the limited number of coping strategies, a deeper concern emerges: the reliance on what I call “hoping skills.” These are mental habits that masquerade as stress management but offer little real relief. Hoping skills include:
- Suppressing unwanted thoughts, wishing they would disappear.
- Clinging to ineffective strategies, hoping they will magically work this time.
Research shows that thought suppression can sometimes reduce anxiety, but when used as the sole strategy, it often leads to rebound effects and heightened stress (Wenzlaff & Wegner, Psychological Bulletin). In other words, stress doesn’t vanish because we hope it will; it requires intentional action.
Why Hobbies and Interests Matter
As we age, hobbies and interests become more than leisure; they become essential coping tools. Engaging in meaningful activities:
- Fosters resilience by providing a sense of accomplishment.
- Promotes mental health through creativity and social connection.
- Counters isolation, which can amplify stress in later years.
A 2023 Nature Medicine study involving 93,000 older adults across 16 countries found that those with hobbies reported better health, higher life satisfaction, and fewer symptoms of depression compared to those without hobbies. It’s clear that hobbies significantly reduce anxiety and stress while improving overall well-being. Specific activities like gardening, art, and dancing have measurable effects: Gardening regulates cortisol, creative endeavors lower stress hormones, and dancing combines movement and social interaction for mood improvement.
During my trainings, I will provide attendees with copies of Marsha Linehan’s Pleasant Events List, from her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. This list offers 225 suggestions for activities that can aid in emotional regulation. Common responses to this list include, “I had no idea there could be so many,” “I never thought about some of these as coping skills,” and “I can’t wait to give some of these a try.”
Unfortunately, as we age, leisure gives ways to work and toys give way to tools. I’ve met countless clients who, when listing their stress coping mechanisms, always start with “I used to…” When asked what happened to put their hobbies in the past, the common reply is “Life happened.”
Rabindranath Tagore summed this up in his poem Playthings.
Child, how happy you are sitting in the dust, playing with a broken twig all the morning.
I smile at your play with that little bit of a broken twig.
I am busy with my accounts, adding up figures by the hour.
Perhaps you glance at me and think, “What a stupid game to spoil your morning with!”
Child, I have forgotten the art of being absorbed in sticks and mud-pies.
I seek out costly playthings, and gather lumps of gold and silver.
With whatever you find you create your glad games, I spend both my time and my strength over things I never can obtain.
In my frail canoe I struggle to cross the sea of desire, and forget that I too am playing a game.
Returning to play as a means of managing the stress of growing older requires a few simple steps.
From Hoping to Coping
The shift from hoping to coping begins with awareness. Ask yourself:
- Are my current strategies active or passive?
- Do I rely on avoidance or suppression rather than engagement?
- What activities genuinely bring me joy and relaxation?
Practical Tips for Building Coping Skills
- Audit Your Coping Strategies: List what you currently do to manage stress. If the list feels short, that’s your cue to explore new options.
- Reframe Obligations: Activities like exercise or meal prep can feel like chores. Reframe them as self-care rituals.
- Schedule Joy: Treat hobbies as non-negotiable appointments. Consistency matters.
- Stay Curious: Try something new—a class, a craft, a sport. Novelty stimulates the brain and boosts mood.
- Connect with Others: Shared interests create social bonds, which are powerful buffers against stress.
Coping requires action, not wishful thinking. By embracing hobbies and interests, we transform stress management from a passive hope into an active, life-affirming practice.
