Mandatory Meetings? A barometer of sobriety?
Are AA/ NA meetings mandatory for our kids to find or maintain sobriety? AA’s old timers will shake their heads affirmatively, while others on the journey say “not so much.”
Is meeting attendance a barometer of sobriety?
AA meetings (not that I have attended hundred ) can be a very slippery slope for our kids.
Our kids may not connect with the crowd (read the Snoop Dog post I wrote earlier this week). Our kids may tune out to the repetitive nature of AA meetings. Guess what? There are tons of folks getting high at meetings. Meetings can offer no guarantees. My son still comes home some evenings and says “meeting sucked” Who knows how he grades meetings. Not me, I don’t try to figure it out, as I’m not the addict.
I know there were times when I was attending parent meetings that the parent stories would begin to blend together. “My baby has ADHD, he is Bipolar, she has a evil boyfriend who caused this, etc etc” My mind would drift to Rob Gronkowski stats. Not his cover of ESPN magazine mind you! Just his football stats. ( Trying to keep this post light folks! )
My son still attends AA meetings. I have a pretty good suspicion he spends a portion outside smoking butts and goofing with his network. That is fine as he tests clean when the courts come a calling, and is sober today. AA Meetings are the feed to his network of sober buddies that are there for him any hour of the night.
Old timers, don’t be judgemental, my son’s parking lot style is not what you guys label “relapse row/ denial aisle”. He is working his steps, and understands the part about being powerless. He grasped that a while back and still embraces the concept.
Example -Someone offered a beer to him a few weeks back . He politely declined. The person pushed harder not understanding his “allergy”. My son looked up and said “Hey you don’t get it. If you have that drink you get up and dance. If I have that beer, I will punch you in the face. Throw the cash register out the window and probably go get high and be in jail within the week.”
Yes, he understands he is powerless…
Old timers will say he learned that in the halls of AA. He will tell you he learned it from consequences, the Big Book, and a good sponsor.
His sponsor attends at best, 1 meeting a week. Does that make him a poor sponsor? Most parents would give their right arm to have their child embrace the sobriety and wisdom this man possesses. Meetings to this sponsor, are drama filled 13th stepping, vulture attended nonsense. He works the steps and has taught my son much.
No where in Bill W’s writings does it mandate how many meetings an “alcoholic” should attend.
As a parent, not alcoholic, I have always questioned the court’s sending a person to a meeting as part of the justice. Does that person get anything out of a meeting if he is forced to be there by the courts? ( or by his mommy or daddy )?
My son attained far more from the meetings when his consequences dragged his tired and beaten ass to the halls.
He was introduced to meetings when he was in his first rehabs.(Consequences) Did he get anything out of those meetings? Probably, but only he knows for sure.
I am not advocating for your child not to attend meetings. However if anyone, no matter how experienced, tells you your child will not remain sober without a meeting I will say ” Baloney to that”.
This mandatory meeting attendance topic is probably not a new one,and if I know the recovery crowd, it is a topic has been debated endlessly.
My son attends…his meetings, his choice, his recovery. The way it should be!
I am curious to what other families have experienced.
Today is a good day.
Peace and strength!
*if you feel this post will help another parent please feel free to link to this blog or share.
Categorised as: Journal Entries
When my son came home from rehab, he embraced the 90 meetings in 90 days philosophy. He started tapering off after about three weeks home, going from a meeting every day to every other day or every two days. His behavior started eroding and he ended up taking money and using Saturday.
I want to say that not attending the meetings, not working the steps and not makng an effort to find a sponsor all had something to do with it. I think he needed all the support and guidance he could get that early in his recovery but he chose differently. I also think that his inability to find a steady job and having too much time on his hands was also a factor.
This is only my opinion since it’s his recovey and not mine.
I am a big believer in AA. I view the meetings as the fellowship of AA. To me the meat of the program is in working the 12 steps. I think sayings such as “90 meetings in 90 days” is dangerous. This saying does not appear anywhere in the Big Book. To me it suggests that 90 meetings will keep someone sober. Although AA is a simple program meetings alone will not keep an alcoholic/addict sober. When my son entered his first treatment program I remember the counselor telling me he would need to attend meetings. I asked her how many. She said “as many as he needs.” Unfortunately there is no one thing or guaranteed formula that will bring about recovery. That is for each individual to determine.
My son has been clean and sober for a year (and he quit smoking, too….which is HUGE). He does not like meetings and does not attend. He says they are too drama filled, and he’s had a lifetime of drama from all the sober homes he’s lived in. He also feels like he wants to move on. He knows he will battle this addiction every day from now until forever, but he doesn’t want it to be the full focus of his life. He wants to just LIVE. He says that meetings helped him in the beginning of recovery and working the steps was a HUGE mind/habit shifter, but he went to a meeting at one point that had a GREAT speaker who controversially said in contradiction to the popular AA saying of people who make meetings make it, “People who make meetings, make meetings…Own your OWN recovery!” My son really feels like AA is cult-like…and it makes him uncomfortable. Plus, he isn’t a big “sharer” He did say that he is interested in seeking out a few young people’s meetings just to make some more sober friends. I think that’s cool!
People in my NarAnon group all were telling me after my son’s most recent relapse that he should go to a meeting every day. I told them that was literally impossible that he now had no driver’s license and that I have a full time job and cannot commit to that. I have driven him to several he doesn’t seem to really get all that much out of it to be honest with you. One group was men in their 50s my son is 24 the other group is very very large and he says that he hears the same stories over and over, he wasn’t being negative really he was being honest. I mean meetings seem to really work for some and they love it but it isn’t for everyone. My son has been clean for a month now, he is being tested twice a week for drugs and daily for alcohol. He is signed up for another out patient rehab program (he has gone through several) and even this is difficult with his work schedule, he finally found another job very close to my house. He has been told that the meetings should come before work but I just don’t know he has bills to pay and has to eat as well. I mentioned one on one counseling to him so I’ll see what he wants to do. Honestly, working is just so good for him and I believe that is a HUGE part of recovery, he feels good getting out and doing something productive every day. He always worked since he was 16 years old and was unemployed for about three months after he was fired from a job he had for two years. I’ve rambled too much I agree with Sandra what works for one doesn’t always work for another.
We go round and round about this too. The bottom line is that it is my child's illness and he has to seek the correct treatment for himself. We have pushed and facilitated all that we can.
Once again alway a pleasure reading your blogs. My point of view has changed only because meetings never helped my son- he never believed in the concept that you have to get in front of a crowd and say you are an alcoholic/drug addiction- he believes if you continue to say this to yourself- when you are having a bad day hey- I'm an addiction/alcoholic so I'll just drink some and do some drugs- he also said at most of these meetings if you want to get drugs great place to be
I'm not saying that people should not go to meetings, what works for one does not work for another. Somehow my son and yes with the help of my husband and I doing the tough love thing managed to break through the ceiling and thank you GOD has not touch a drug in over 6 years..but he also turned something negative into a positive. Have a great day Bill! God Bless!
Thanks Sandra..thanks for commenting! My best to Mike