Touching the stove – learning from experience
“”Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high.”” – Norwegian proverb
Even in recovery our children can ride a see-saw of decision making that makes our hair go deeper into a 50 shades of gray (50 shades, not fifty strands)
Thankfully my son is not using his drug of choice today. Yet his decision-making leaves much to be desired. This is only my opinion and I have to realize that my opinion does not factor in his recovery. He is sober and for that I am thankful. He is sober because he chooses to be sober. He will learn about life in recovery.
I have to allow him to make decisions regarding employment etc. and learn to simply shut off the faucet of my incredible wisdom (OK I am being a tad sarcastic). I have learned that if I say “X” and a friend in recovery says “X”, my son will say that I am “bugging him” and the X from his friend is genius. Go figure.
I am working on the concept of “accepting the things I can not change” (Where have I heard that before?) My son is a “thing” I can not change. He must change himself.
Today’s post is not about drug usage, but rather about allowing “them” to live life in recovery. I am slowly discovering, after 6 years on the journey, that recovery is a learning experience for our children also. As a parent, I know I am humbled with the lessons I learn in my recovery each day. I am still enrolled in the Kindergarten of parent recovery but at least I am paying attention.
I guess the part that frustrates me about my son is when I tell him the “stove is hot” yet he has always been the child that must learn by touching. His “learning style” has been a painful thing to watch. However my son has always done better after touching the stove.
For today I am sitting back and letting him go to school. Will he be burnt? Perhaps. Again this is his learning style and he has learned much from far bigger infernos in his past.
Ok I’m done babbling … enjoy. Maybe this post is a bit all over the place..but I’m learning.
Peace and strength!
*if you feel this post will help another family please feel free to link or share.
Categorised as: Coping Skills
If your son is still living with you than it is very difficult to separate from his life. I know personally when my daughter moved out our relationship became more compatible and equal. It is very hard to become father and son; man to man when there has not been true separation. The tendency to remain father and son; man to boy makes it hard to let him live his own life as it impacts you on a daily basis. Your son is making progress and it is progress not perfection we hope for. I hope his path is a true one.
That touching the stove analogy applies to us as parents too. I keep "touching the stove" in regards to wanting to control my son's recovery and every time I do that I learn my lesson the painful way. I keep forgetting that stove is hot! Ouch!
I too have my share of scars… at least you are learning the lessons. I have to keep going back to class. I guess it’s a “like father like son” scenario.
Thanks for posting and letting others know that we are not alone…
Oh I have to keep going back to class! In fact, I get detention almost every day!
Every parent can learn something from this!
What to say? I have no idea
If you’re in kindergarten, then I must be in nursery school, because you are so much further along in letting go than I am. Hats off to you.
I do relate to what you said about how our kids don’t listen. I read a quote somewhere once that was somewhere along the lines of “the older our kids get, the wiser they think we are.” I’m still waiting for that to happen and my son is 28. Sometimes though I think some of what we say actually penetrates even when we don’t think they’re listening. My son recently reminded me of some advice I’d given him three years ago, and he almost, kinda sorta, acted like it might have been good advice! Ha…..you just never know.
I have loads of “incredible wisdom” for my son as well and I’m right there with you it is sooooo hard for me to just keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out for himself. I struggle with this every single day, several times a day!
it’s funny how we have so much wisdom to impart yet they simply don’t want to listen…thanks for comment Erin
Some of the best therapy starts with putting your emotions in writing <3
I have much writing to do then.. as I sure as hell need the therapy!
I am right there with you. You just put into words exactly what is going on with me and my son. I too, am still in the kindergarten class of recovery even after 5 years of doing this. Have a wonderful day and thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks for commenting Marsha