Distance vs. Detachment
In past years, when my son was actively using, I have asked him to leave our home. I think the first time he left he was nineteen years old. That was a dark and difficult period.
I was commended at a local support group I attended at the time for my ability to DETACH. It felt weird.
A few years removed from that period and a few relapses deeper, I have learned the term “detaching” is thrown around at support groups. Detachment is word thrown around but often times never dissected.
For me a better word is DISTANCE. I learned to love distance!
Both mentally and emotionally I could never completely DETACH. He was in my heart, head and prayers. He is my only son and I love him unconditionally. How does one cut off “UNCONDITIONAL” love? I wouldn’t do it… ( but I wouldn’t enable or love him to death )
Thankfully I discovered DISTANCE. I would love him from a distance. I would carry the hope that he would adjust his sails.
I could distance my self from his insane phone calls. I could distance myself from the stealing, lies and manipulation. I could distance my life from his drug use. We can get off the insane drug addiction merry go round and watch from a distance.
To this father detaching seemed so final. I have been taught there is always hope. I believe there is always hope. For me if I completely detached I would have given up hope. That is not my style!
Thus …distance became a tool in my recovery. I hope this tool is passed on today!
Categorised as: Relationships
Finally someone gets how I feel. I could never detach, did I "distance" myself yes. This is a must share at my next meeting. So many new comers…this will definitely shed a new light and help those that are addicted to their addict. Thank you. Peace and strength to you my friend
this tool has been passed on more than you know. I have shared this at my support groups. Distancing is such a softer word that parents new to the addiction world sometimes need. When I first heard the word detach I instantly put up a wall because that seemed so cruel to me. 4 years later I am a much harder person and whatever you want to call it is fine with me. Distancing/detaching has saved my life. Thank you once again. thinking and praying for your family daily.
[...] to listen to the advice other parents had given. I would detach and let him solve the problems (I prefer distance) [...]
I like this!
[...] My goal today…is to Distance myself and take my own damn advice! [...]
I really liked this..my child lives in a different state, sometimes I know whats going on, and sometimes I don’t. It hurts either way.sometimes I think she distances herself from me…hard to let her go, but I’m trying to distance..but always there is hope. I give her to God, only he can help her. but she breaks my heart. A while back she went to detox,she wouldn’t go to rehab.,and she’s drinking again. I’m not sure how much. I appreciate all the articules. they are helpful. and i know i’m not alone. My prayers to all whose hearts are breaking .
thanks so much for reading and no…you are not alone. Sadly there are hundreds of thousands of families affected..Good Kids from Good families who sadly share this common bond.
Remember the thing about distance…it can change with one step…
hang in there!
Thanks for this meaningful insight!
great post on a really hard concept…I like the word" distance" substituded for "detachment"…it give me the vision of standing back, observing, moving away from the maze of trees so you can see the forest. Detachment sounds like a amputation and not a word I would use in everyday living….but often in the beginning it has to be that severe because we are so sick too.
I volunteer at a half way house and run a parent group occasionally and I was asked to speak to a family who had come over 100 miles to pick up their son who wanted to leave after 12 hr stay…..the mom was angry and anxious and telling me he needs to want to do the right thing for the people who love him. She did not want take him home but could not bear the thought of her beautiful boy of 20 on the streets. We talked about detachment and I wish I could have used the word " distance" as she told me " I can not abandon my son". We talked about the family sickness and how SHE needed to start her recovery even if he was not ready; " I am only as happy as my most miserable child. I will keep fighting for him until he understands". Wow sounds familar.
I realized how much of a process recovery is for both addict and parent/family. Sickness runs deep but as parents we cannot " love our addict clean" and we can " not fight for him". We need to fight for ourselves and the rest of our family and we can start by distancing ourselves. It's not easy and it takes time to gather the strength but it is so empowering.
Someone told me " you deserve a life too" and it hit home. Since this time I have been living life and enjoying it. My daughter has a chronic illness that is in remission/recovery now but even if she relaspes it does't mean I have too.
Wise words Susan as always.. thanks! Your wisdom does and will help others.
[...] wrote a post yesterday about Distance vs. Detachment and one of the comments that was posted later in the day was very [...]
I only wish someone had presented this idea to me when I was new to all of this. I too struggled with the word detachment. We do ourselves a favor when we move out of our front row seat and instead take up residence in the balcony. From this point forward I’m done with the word detachment.
Distancing, detaching and one more d word…detoxifying. Once I distanced and detached while doing "tough love" on my then 26 year old, only child addict, I not only stopped communicating for a while but during that time I detoxified my SELF. What part of me could I change? What part of me was toxic in our relationship? How could I change to better understand what he was going through without participating in his disease? As parents of addicts we can be extremely proactive in our lives to be better able to respond in healthy ways when we do attach again. I learned that there was absolutely no way I could change my son's behavior, but I could sure has hell change my own. I educated myself. I went to CODA meetings. I read books. I looked at my SELF in the mirror and decided if there was going to be change…that I needed to take the first steps. I also admitted that I had been part of the "problem" so I needed to be part of the "solution". Recovery is a family affair. We can't expect our children to change if we don't change ourselves. Once he became sober, I was there with open arms, but not with an open purse. I was there with an open heart, but not a heart he could step on again. I was there with words of support, but not with words of judgement. As parents we will never stop loving our children. Unfortunately, once the disease of addiction and alcoholism has taken their lives over, we must love them in a way never mentioned in Dr. Seuss. It has been ten years since I did "tough love" on my son. I have been writing as a way to stay sane during those ten years. Today he is getting ready to celebrate his first year of sobriety while attending AA. He had been clean for five years before, but without a program and without a Higher Power. Once our children find God and find their Higher Power within and WANT to be clean, then and only then will they fight the fight. And, YOU must find your Higher Power and know that the universe is at work in your life and in theirs and that with God, prayer and positive affirmations your child can turn their lives around. I am writing a book called, H.O.P.E How One Parent Evolved…a son's addiction leads his mother to wholeness. If I ever finish it, I am hoping it will provide other parents with strength, answers and hope when their child is actively using. We didn't plan for this horrible situation but there are definitely healthy ways to endure. My love to all parents of addicts.
So eloquent Denise. Thank you and congratulations to your son. I hope he comes to understand the love you have for him. Hugs to you .
Thank you for your words of wisdom at Addiction Journal. It is when we show / educate others and offer hope that we make a difference.
Action !! " Says it all "
You share my sentiments about recovery! It is up to us to do the work on ourselves just as much as it is up to our children to take care of themselves as well. We can't do it for them.!
I have to say that I really like this–I too am distancing myself —it is the best recovery for a parent!
Very well put my friend. I truly believe its our unconditional love for them as our children that eventually help draw them out of active addiction. Love isn’t just a ‘feeling’ we have, love is an action word… and distance is sometimes the action we must take.