NO more pedestals or cartwheels
Our women folk have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that
he is to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment means the opposite.p.122 Big Book
It is interesting as I begin to read the the Big Book, how things are written from the “husband is an alcoholic” point of view. I never thought I would have the words “woman folk” written at this blog.
However is it when I get past the “husband-isms” that I begin to interpret, apply, and thus learn. For me embracing the theories are what matters, as they help me with my recovery.
When my son first returned from various rehabs and early attempts at sobriety I would do cartwheels to keep him happy. As a newcomer it was plain as day ” With his happiness came sobriety.” Within his sobriety the family found peace. There was no way in hell I was going to trigger his relapse. Being a selfish bastard I continued my cartwheels.
I have heard many other parents mirror the same thoughts and fears. Their phobia is they will cause a potential relapse. In our sickness we shower them with haircuts, sneakers, iPods and use every chip we can to bargain with the addiction. If we are good parents and negotiate properly, we will not be revisited by active addiction.
Then I woke up after God knows how many relapses. I learned the hard way that bargaining simply does not work. It is nice to find justification in the BIG BOOK. Perhaps if I had read the book when he was in active addiction I would have saved both of us some pain.
My son threw an AA phrase at me a few years into his early attempts to address his “allergy to booze and drugs.” He looked up and reminded me to live “LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS”. There is no bargaining or negotiations by those of us who sit on the sidelines of their war. It is our children who must negotiate with the person staring back from the mirror and the disease the hopes to take the both down.
Do not wrap them in cloth or put them on the pedestal. Life ..on life’s terms. No more cartwheels.
peace and strength.
(For those following my son’s path..he is doing well and is taking care of his disease. Today is a good day.)
*if you feel this post will help another parent please feel free to link or share
Categorised as: Coping Skills
“Tread softly, carry a big stick” is what I refer to when I “decide” its time to pull my cheerleader uniform out of the mothballs and begin to cheer. Their disease and my disease need time to progress into recovery. Baby steps for both of us….my path my sons path are…my prayer is that our paths join one day, but until that day, I must remian in the moment. Today is also a good day for me.
Glad your son is doing well for today. I too did the cartwheels, bought the clothes act. when he in went into or came out off a rehab. This time when he went into rehab I said, NO loud and clear. They have a closet where you can go get what you need! I just started following you and Susan’s blogs and I feel like there really is someone else walking in my shoes and gets how I feel Thank you and God Bless
So glad your beautiful son is doing well
OMG Bill I remember every time Mike was going into a rehab he would get all new clothes, sneaker, etc. at one point I actually let him con me into buying a mini TV which I'm sure he pawn to buy drugs. I look back and your blog rings so true! Have a great day!