Tough Love, the Chemotherapy of Addiction
It may help parents that struggle with applying consequences to think of “TOUGH LOVE” as the chemotherapy of addiction.
Tough Love & Chemotherapy are not a pleasant experiences and often put the patient at “death’s door” before working. The side effects to both are daunting.
Tough Love is not pleasant “Medicine” to apply to our children. However Tough Love should be thought of as medicinal and applied as a protocol not a parental retribution! Far too many parents get into the “retribution” mode. Be very wary.
Tough Love, like Chemo, offers no guarentees and is merely a treatment option that each family must consider.
The choice is ours as parents. Here is why I believe in the Tough Love concept. I have spoken with hundreds of young addicts in long term recovery who have said:
“It is when my parents got tough and stopped enabling that I was forced to deal with my disease.” Out of the mouths of babes comes the most useful information/tool a parent can aquire.
I have a dear friend who often stated we must remove the “soft landings” in addiction. Be very cognizant that we can love our kids to death. Please think about applying the medicine. Apply the technique sooner than later and stop waiting for your time as that truly becomes the enabler’s loophole. Addiction loves the enablers loophole!
peace and strength
Categorised as: Coping Skills, Journal Entries
POA often uses the term “distance” rather than detachment. I like “Distant Love” rather than “Tough Love.” I believe Tough Love needs to be modified in both it’s name and perception. First, “Distant Love” should not be looked at as the “Magic Wand” that is going to “cure” the addict. Those in Al Anon know the three C’s. Distant Love did bring sanity back into my life. It’s just boundaries that I set. I choose to talk to my addict son about actions I am taking to distance myself from the chaos when he is sober, so there is no war of emotional distress and fighting. I tell him every day that I love him (when his cell phone is working and the bill is paid for) and that I am praying for him to choose life. My son has made a choice to move out with his girlfriend – a peripheral enabler – so I did not “put him out.” However, one day deep into his active use, he texted me to put five dollars in his bank account for a “hamburger.” I would not. I spoke with him and brought a hamburger to his appartment, which he could not eat when I got there because he was so dope sick. I was sending him a message that I would no longer be fooled by these pleas for money for food. I told him I loved him very much but I would not help him continue to buy drugs and kill himself. I could not watch him, or help him die. That was the last time I brought him any food. Today, I am not sure if he is sober or not. I do not help him financially and he does not ask for help. I still text him every day and tell him I love him. I am at peace knowing that whatever happens, I did not give him that last 5 dollars to add to the 15 he had from pawning his life away, to buy one more Oxycontin. If he got the money together and OD’d, he did that to himself.
I am taking the long way to say this: Tough Love is not a guarantee our addict children will be “cured” or stay in recovery and Tough Love doesn’t mean hating or belittling the addict. Tough Love (I prefer Distant Love) is letting the addict make and be responsible for their own choices. Parents, we cannot control this disease. We can only control our response to this disease. If my child were not an addict, but a child that grew into a responsible adult, carving out a life of his own, I would still be living my own life and be responsible for my own happiness. I do, after all, have my own and only life to live.
[...] Proponents of tough love urge parents to apply “bad medicine” sooner rather than later. One addiction counsellor claims she has worked with hundreds of young addicts in long-term recovery who have said: “It is when my parents got tough and stopped enabling that I was forced to deal with my disease.” Tough love is the answer for many youth when applied correctly. A former drug addict who is now an adult however stated “as a former addict who began using heroin and cocaine in late adolescence, I have never understood the logic of tough love. I took drugs compulsively because I hated myself because I felt that no one, not even my family, would love me if they really knew me.Why would being humiliated, once I’d given up the only thing that made me feel safe emotionally, make me better?….Many kids have histories of trauma and abuse.” [...]
My husband and I have just asked our daughter to move out (she is 22) after struggling with her binge drinking episodes for a long while. She hates us and says we are the worst parents on the planet. We are just hopeful that without us to support her, she will realize that it is her binge drinking that made her lose her career as a stylist, her relationships with much of our family, crash her car we bought her for graduation and the respect of a close friend. We have younger children in the home as well and had to take this stand to protect them from the drama and danger she poses when she is on a binge. It really helps me to read the posts by others that say it has worked for them.
In addition to that, I am so sorry for some who have lost their family members. Addiction is so awful. I never thought I would have to deal with something like this when I married my husband and took on his 3 year old daughter. I continue to get accused of being a “wicked step monster” because I support my husband in the decision to protect the rest of our family. For all of those out there struggling, I pray for you all. I know we need prayer and support too. This is an awful situation to be in.
Parents please thoughfully consider researching multiple recovery approaches/methodologies …and do your learning/studying from multiple sources. One size support/treatment will never ever fit all substance use disordered individuals, or their family members. If you are investing your time and energy in a support resource methodology/philosophy-peer or otherwise-and what you are practicing is not facilitating momentum/healthy change in terms of your son/daughter being successful at resolving the ambivalence that runs tandem with the change process….after some amount of time (a time frame best determined by you because you know your son or daughter better than anyone…and I mean ANYONE-so trust ‘your’ instincts. We have those ‘gut feelings’ for a reason), it’s time to try ‘something else’. Be very cautious about those who advise things like “kicking out” your son/daughter and/or “detaching” in the name of ‘love’…and when you ascertain that the bases for these advisements is that ‘certainly you are co dependent, and as such you are an enabler parent’ then please, please, please look elsewhere for support resources. When folks seem to endorse/promote only one methodology/philosophy and in the process appear resistant to acknowledge the fact that there are multiple, effective, researched methods…multiple evidence based options…then there is your red flag. And remember that addiction is not, never has been, never will be the result of character or morality-based deficit. Its not about a ‘lack of humility or selfishness or terminal uniqueness’ and the individual need only ‘admit their problem’ and ask for help in order to begin to recover. Addiction is a maladaptive pattern of coping developed in response to negative narratives/anxiety/stress etc.. It’s a learned response. It can be ‘unlearned’. But it takes time. And often times we as parents are just too exhausted, frustrated, worried and under the influence of our resentments (understandable though they are) and ill-matched advisements from others to possess the coping skill set to effectively navigate the challenges and consistantly support/encourage a healthy change process in our addicted son or daughter.
Studies show that the CRAFT approach (community reinforcement and family training) which is rooted in MI ( motivational interviewing) methodology is an effective approach…more effective than TSF (12-step/ Johnson approach) at helping a family member accept treatmentresolve. Does that mean that no one has success with 12 step? Nope. And I didn’t infer as much.
The efficacy of craft and mi is based on the non confrontational, collaborative, (not coercive) empathy-driven spirit of approach of the frame. Parents have EVERYTHING to gain in researching, applying and practicing more than a single philosophy/ approach- especially when what it is they have been doing is not resulting in fostering increasing health and healthier decision-making by their addiction-challenged loved one.
There is no panacea in regard to recovery. There just isn’t. That’s why collective compassion, wisdom and science have come to bear fruit called
‘A menu of evidence based options in recovery’. In addition to aa and al anon, why not commit to learning about and trying on mi and craft based peer supports -such as smart recovery friends and family. It’s free and there are online meetings as well as in person groups to participate in.
The more options we have for support, the more effective we are in decision making/advocating for our specific needs on a case by case basis…the more effective we are in choosing approaches that are successful at utililizing our addicted loved ones, as well as our own innate strengths for recovery, the less anxiety we infuse into the interactions/dynamic within the family system. Let’s aim for: ‘Parents as agents of change’, rather than parents in a role of “my way or the highway” implementing risky strategies in the name of ‘boundaries’ that increase stress and anxiety and the potential for increased coping via alcohol/drugs, escalating addiction, increasing self harm, and disconnect between all members of the family.
Songbird thank you for your well written comment
For those interested in the CRAFT method – http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh23-2/116-121.pdf
I was curious is Dr. Meyers has parented an addict or writes from a professional PHD point of view?
I completely agree with you in regards that our addicts are all a bit different – Rubics Cubes? so to speak? http://addictionjournal.net/?p=2064
I think “Kicking out” is a harsh term and was taught very early on in the “Healing Game” that addiction and recovery is a matter of choices. Choose drugs or choose to live in my home. That leaves the consequences that may fall within the addicts hands.
The Craft method is an Alcohol based approach according to the links I saw . I am wondering if Dr Meyer has experienced the traumas associated with heavy heroin use. Studies… show that more kids wave guns and hold up gas stations on heroin as compared to the children that are alcoholics. Please see the movie OXYMORONs… a gritty (perhaps over glamorized) display of where pharmaceutical addiction can take our children.
I totally agree with you that addiction is not bad behavior yet I question the following statement – “Addiction is a maladaptive pattern of coping developed in response to negative narratives/anxiety/stress etc.. It’s a learned response. It can be ‘unlearned’. ”
Addiction is considered a disease on this blog. I don’t feel it can be unlearned / unexperienced..It becomes part of their being. I don’t feel they can unlearn addiction anymore than someone could “unlearn” cancer or diabetes.
You wrote “Parents have EVERYTHING to gain in researching, applying and practicing more than a single philosophy/ approach- especially when what it is they have been doing is not resulting in fostering increasing health and healthier decision-making by their addiction-challenged loved one.”
I TOTALLY AGREE..as I have often said ( and practiced ) ..study parents approaches take what works for you or the successful common denominators…and apply to your life.
However collaborating with a person strung out on Oxys/Heroin etc is pretty risky. Ill stick to what I was taught within the gritty recovery of AA in Boston FRom the streets of Southie and Charlestown I was taught- “Addicts can not maintain relationships, they merely take hostages”. Thus collaboration and fair play is out and was out in our family’s recovery.
For me I had to learn from many as you mentioned and take what worked for me ..
Detaching is another concept I have written about lately — I tend not to detach but sometimes DISTANCE is a needed ingredient in the Recovery Soup. Collaboration/ Enabling etc have killed and will continue to kill.
In the end whether they end up upon the streets, in a casket, or living a fulfilling life within their RECOVERY …we as parents must be able to live with our choices and be able to look ourselves within the mirror – http://addictionjournal.net/?p=3329
In the end ..this blog is about my point of view, my convictions, my mistakes, my experiences…Am I always right? Nope. Will I make mistakes? Yes! Will I continue to evolve and learn? Yes..Do I censor as I have been censored? Nope! I love to hear what other points of view are out there.
As long as the message is delivered respectfully I keep the blog a place for other parents to learn from my life and hopefully others point of views and experiences. Someday I should prob add a “forum/message” board..
Peace and much strength. Thanks Songbird and merry CHRISTmas
“I was curious is Dr. Meyers has parented an addict or writes from a professional PHD point of view?”
I hope this helps:
In effort to support you, with regard to your stated “curiosity” regarding Dr. Robert Meyer’s personal history/experience with family addiction issues, as well as in effort to encourage your, and others parents’ learning and increased scope and practice, in a variety of effective, evidence-based methods, such as CRAFT. I encourage you/other parents to take the time to listen to the full podcast below, provided via the link below. It’s about an hour long. Just engage when it is convenient for you..
It’s critical to listen to the complete podcast IF the goal is to ‘get a feel’ for this method of approach and, also, familiarize with this “PhD’s” point(s)of view.
Digressing here, to some degree, but for what I believe are important distinctions:
PhD does not (at least, it does not in my vocabulary or experience)equate to ‘ineffective,unskilled,and/or greedy, profit-driven individual’. Nor is “PhD” some kind of ‘code’ indicating that a PhD’s educational background, skills/talents/commitments toward supporting others in increasing personal growth/coping are somehow, arbitrarily, deemed null and void, -based solely on the PhD individual having or not having a son or daughter challenged by addiction be it an alcohol addiction, opiate/heroin addiction, marijuana addiction, methamphetamine addiction, etc.
Further, PhD is not a scarlet letter, or three, (so-to-speak), meant to serve in identifying character flaws, like self importance/arrogance, or lack of ‘genuine’ ability/caring regarding individuals and families they seek to invest their time and energies on behalf of…Much less is PhD the equivalent of “beware” simply/arbitrarily on the grounds that, because the individual happens to be paid/compensated for their expertise, skill, contributions/efforts on behalf of the well being of others then, clearly, they are not to be trusted…in a much as the way we can’t unequivocally consider it a mark of an ‘expert’ source or appropriate source (for our particular needs/circumstances) just because a parent invests in/manages an online blog/journal that chronicles their own personal journey. After all, you know what they say about assuming stuff.
I ‘try’ not to do that. I not always 100 % successful in that personal goal, fo-sho 
, but, I am pretty- consistently mindful about avoiding such errors in judgment about folks –especially important in the case we are not completely, thoroughly informed (as is possible given opportunity)on a person or subject.
We as parents of sons and daughters with substance use disorder can find the help we need via many sources, and people, from all walks/perspectives and points of view. Our best bet (in encouraging others in navigating the addiction journey) is to inspire those we declare (and selflessly believe) ourselves to be advocating for, is to learn from multiple sources what it is that best supports our practice of approaches/methods/philosophies. Methos of approach that will serve to be a catalyst to our creative problem-solving skill set, our ability to employ reflective listening into our relationships/relational dynamics. That because we are individually accountible to encourage folks to determine ‘their own” path, discover ‘their own areas’ for needed change, ‘their own’ innate strengths regarding the change process-over and above what can sometimes sneak into our suggestions and advisements and stated opinions that, more than anything, reflect a priority to influence and/or direct others to what it is ‘we personally’ consider to be the best philosophies/approach…because have convinced ourselves that if the approaches/philosophy(s) we implement work/worked for our family member, and our family than, surely, it will work for everyone else. Again, these are examples of arbitrary bases of thought/perspective -when considering the unique needs of ‘the many’.
There is more than one path to change and sustainable recocvery. As example, my family borrowed from several methodologies -some born of CRAFT/MI/ACT/REBT and TSF over a 15 year span (yes. it often takes this much time before an indiviudal settles into sustainable recovery. And, as parents, we are required to be patient and flexible in the process, if, that is, our goal is mitigating and arresting the anxiety/anger/fear whirling in the family dynamic that stalls recovery), before settling into a pattern of family dynamic-centered interactions, reactions, and communications to the challenges running tandem with addiction. But these efforts resulted in facilitating our very substance-dependant son in achieving sustainable recovery. “that” is what worked for us. But, important to point out that I, as well as my son, wouldnt have been able to implement the measures that ultimately served sustainable recovery had he or I limited learning and practicing to say… Al-Ano/AA/12-Steps.
One size treatment will not fit all. Another personal account: As parents we realize and we also experience regret, that we implemented what, in hindsight, were foundless, and very dangerous, (though well-intended) advisements…prefaced by the noble notion that we would “need to be prepared for him to die”. This is nonsense. It just is. And, this noble notion perpetuates death and ruins families, and leaves parents with the chronic, mental-health sabotaging internal dialogue of “Oh my Holy God. What if there was something else I could have tried!?”.
I know many parents who are in this purgatory as a result of deaths that followed ‘eviction’. The son/daughters mental health status, in that particular moment, was not taken into consideration prior to the decision to ‘cut off’ or ‘evict’, and as a result of the oversight, their child’s self harming behaviors increased and result in death.
People struggling through ANY traumatic challenge, (and especially addiction/substance dependency), need their ‘healthy-minded’, not resentful, angry, anxiety-impaired, control-driven parent/family members to rally around them ‘responsibly/appropriately -based on the addicted individual’s needs and demonstrated emotional stability. Remember it about the addicted individuals being encouraged toward increases in self efficacy. That is the focus. In order to that on their behalf, in order to advocate responsibly, we, as parents, must be mindful about our accountability to implement approaches that are calm, rational, consistent and empathy-driven. Empathy does not equal ‘Weak Parenting’. Please so your research on these agents of change. It can only ‘add to’ your ability to help yourself and others in the addiction journey.
Peace be with you.
It’s important to implement honest self reflection about our ability/capacity/band width regarding taking in new and/or different pratices, Parents. Inflexibility is not generally helpful in promoting healthy change -for the individual with addiction, or their family members.
In regard to ‘addiction is a learned maladaptive pattern of coping’, more so than it resembling an incurable disease…a ‘diseased spirit’, or otherwise a deficit in ‘good values’; I encourage all folks to do some reading on “neuroplasticity” as it relates to addiction. And, also, I encourage you to familiarize yourself with learning related to the work of well regarded pioneers in the field of psychology, under the heading ‘self efficacy’, ‘catastrophic thinking’, ‘family dynamic/ family systems theory/family roles theory, operant conditioning -the foundation for rewards-based change. And…’Names to know’ in these subjects: ALbert Ellis, Carl Rogers, Aaron Beck, Skinner, among others.
Just for familiarizing informational purposes. I am a CHRISTain
. I believe in God. Lol… I’m wondering if that might be a surprise to you, based on what came across as rather thinnly-veiled, and/or perhaps, even, uncounscious judging ‘tone-of-voice’…that wafted so gently amid some of the choices of words and sentiments I read in your repsonse. No disrespect intended, sir…just being respectfully candid.
And, as for respectful dialoging: I think most folks would agree that we all need to practice it -especially when we find ourselves feeling compelled to ‘preach it’.
From me -just a parent staying curious and hopeful and informed regarding the addiction journey -to Addiction journal and her peeps: Blessings abundant to you/your blog followers this holiday season, and always. Best wishes for continued personal growth and enlightenment, and on behalf of increasing individual self efficacy and collective family systems health and well being.
http://smartrecovery.libsyn.com/special-event-dr-robert-j-meyers-addresses-the-friends-family-community
click the brownish small icon on the left of announcement, that reads “pod” to initiate appearance of window whereby you will be able to engage ‘play’ pause, rewind and forward of the smart recovery broadcast. Love, and Peace Out
Tough love is the answer! Love but love tough! I know from experience as long as an addict has an open door to rest and recharge they will likely never change. If an addict is forced out and has to depend on their “friends” for the basic essentials in life they’ll soon realize that their welcome wears out fast. I had to hit rock bottom and lay there for a while before I realized that I was too proud and too good for that lifestyle, having said that I was on methamphetamine for 10 years. My parents struggled for the first 3 years doing whatever they could to “fix” me or “help” (both which equates to enabling) me, but until they put me out, for the sake of their own sanity, I would never have been pointed in the right direction to change. The convenience of having a place to stay, clea
n up, and rest up for the next binge was the very thing that kept me at the height of my addiction. Once I was forced out and had to bum showers, a place to sleep, and food to eat I soon realized that while I had friends who liked to have “fun” no one really wanted to keep me. It’s a complex thing…..tough love, but it is the only way an addict will every get to rock bottom and that’s the very place that an addict must be to realize that they have no other option. ROCK bottom is a solid place, is low but it’s solid and there a person is forced to look deep inside (seeing as there’s nothing there but them) and then the survival mechanisms kick in and if they are going to get up it will be by determination and self will. No one can “fix” an addict it has to be a decision that they make for themselves, they have to be tired of the life they are living and aspire to be different. Saying and doing are two entirely different actions, addicts always ‘say’ that they are trying to change, but their actions contradict their words. If you’re serious about taking your loved one back from the throws of addiction deal with them based on their actions not their words. I love addicts and they are not bad people (not most of them anyway) they need love but it’s best served tough at this point in their lives.
I just read your story and i find myself at this point with my husband who’s a heroin addict we have been toghether for 4 years and he keeps relapsing..Now he got himself locked up after being kicked out the house in less than a week.you are absolutely right when you say “enabling” the loved ones don’t see it that way,but from an addicts point of view and dealing with this situation it is exactly right! Now i am done,I told him:” I am not going to be here anymore,you are going to have to man up to your consequeunces on your own when you come out.. He does not fool me with his words” I been locked up for 2 weeks so Im good now”. I know he might not take my words seriously but he will be feeling it this time around REAL HARD!! He just doesnt knowit yet… I really helps to read the words of an addict in recovery expressing yourself in the way you have.. I hope that God keeps blessing you in your recovery as well as you lov ones
I lost my 22yr old son on Sept 26 2012 of a heroin overdose…He, and we, had been struggling with his addiction for at least 5yrs and problems had begun to surface several years before that.
18 months ago we finally put him out of our house as we felt we had no other option, (after experiencing all of the other things described previously, i.e sleeping with one eye open, locking our house up like Ft. Knox, all the drama and crazy stories, etc.).
It went against my nature at the time and now that he’s gone I have the rest of my life to live with the fact that the last few months of my son’s life I was neither very warm or communicative with him…I had decided several years ago his addiction was an illness and now I ask myself if my child had been diagnosed with cancer, kidney disease, or whatever would I have treated him the way I ultimately chose to handle this situation??…NO!!
I don’t have an answer and this certainly isn’t a slap at anyone else who is exercising the “Tough Love” method with their child or partner…You’re at your wits end just as we were…I’m just writing this to share what it feels like when the worst case scenario happens and how the whole experience has left me feeling about myself as a mother…Shit…Just something to think about.
First Jules I am sorry for the loss of your son.
I am sure you did the best you could to help him and can look in what I think of as “THE MIRROR”
http://addictionjournal.net/?p=3329
You were doing what worked for other parents. You were doing your best taking the advice of others. I would have advised you the same way. The advice was sound but sadly there are no promises. It is a scary disease that takes our kids at alarming rates. Those who advised you hopefully advised you of the reality and risks.
When I put my son out I knew that was a risk. Death..its what I have read over and over via AA books etc. I would let of let him die and known I did all I could to help him at that time. I knew my son would die at home if I didn’t apply tough love. I did and he ( thanks to him and the Higher Power) is alive and sober today.
Again I am sorry for your loss Jules.
Thank-you…And again I’m happy that tough love has worked for you and others…But since he’s died I’ve been all over the internet looking for anyone who has found themselves in my position where it didn’t work and your left so sad, empty, and regretful of what you didn’t do or say before the end and I haven’t been able to find anyone else, ( although I’m sure they’re out there)…I think I just want to make people aware that tough love doesn’t always bring a happy ending and you better make sure you’re prepared to live with yourself the rest of your life if it doesn’t.
I think my biggest problem is that it really went against my nature to take that stance with my son, but everyone else convinced me it was all I had left at my disposal…So I did it, but it never felt right to me and now I’m left with this…Anyway, thank-you again and I’ll hold you and your child in thoughts and prayers.
I've been traveling down this road for awhile now. I actually came to your site to read your super parent entry today and just scanned down the entries on the left and saw the "chemo" entry on the left and clicked on it. This is such a succinct and well-written description! I hope you don't mind, but I would like to post this and give you the credit as author in my "notes" page on facebook. It explains things so much better than anything I've ever seen! Thank you so much for posting this!
Thanks so much Kristi please feel free to link / share .Thanks!
Looking around your blog I found this conversation. I love your responses and your calm approach to Tom and Sidda. I have been in a 12 step program for 15 years and really cannot believe what they are saying!!! I, too, have had to apply tough love to my 18 year old son who is using. I will NOT help him die! And I will not let him destroy my home! I just wanted to say, that I totally agree with all you have said, and continue to write about, and those two peoples “opinions” are so insignificant!!!
It can be so hard when you are removed from a situation and u are an outsider looking in at someone elses life in a fish bowl.
“Withholding family contact and support is not therapeutic. It is the opposite. It does not contribute to recovery…it only contributes to suffering.
It’s not about the enabling/hitting bottom/tough love nonsense. Parents who get sucked into that circus side show are focusing on the wrong thing. It’s about helping their loved one identify a realistic path to recovery, removing barriers to recovery, and providing appropriate recovery supports (while maintaining reasonable personal boundaries). That’s what works.”
That is as good–quality, to-the-point, ‘current’, evidence-based, insight-filled advisement/encouragement as any of us will receive regarding the spirit of approach that parents, clinicians, and everyone in between, should adopt/build on. That is, ‘if’ we have appropriately identified the core goal correctly: The goal of consistently advocating for/responsibly encouraging someone with a substance use disorder toward engaging ‘their own’ change process.
The length of time for this process varies person to person. We, as parents, are often not equipped -from a personal coping mechanism standpoint- to consistently engage in a responsibly supportive encouraging spirit of approach. As a result of ‘our’ lack of coping ability- not our addicted son or daughters- we find ourselves desperate, exhausted, resentful, anxiety-prone… and, therefore, vulnerable to adopting these, often-times, ineffective philosophies about addiction.
Despite our good intentions, this stuff translates to forming/feeding negative narratives about our challenges, negative narratives about our addicted son/daughters ability to make healthy sustainable change. And, these anxiety-based/resentment-based narratives limit, or totally eclipse, our innate, creative problem solving skill set.
Often times it’s the case that these tough love advisements are inappropriate, or they are not completely appropriate for our circumstances. Some of these advisements can actually create more problems that they solve…more harm than healing.
Specific advisements (i.e. “you should kick him out” “You should drop her at the homeless shelter” “you should not answer his phone calls” “you should not give her any help, of any kind, because if you do that, then that means that you are an enabler”.
‘This’ from the hearts/minds/mouths of well-intended people -even some clinicians- who, for whatever the reason, are failing to utilize current, empirical data to support an evolving approach/menu of options based on clinical evidence.
The term ‘tough love’ is vague and means different things, in different applications, to different people. That’s why this catch-all term (along with several others like ‘enabler’, ‘denial’ etc..) should be retired, or at a minimum used very selectively.
What is more important than “tough love” focus, (which, unfortunately, can come with an implication that the person/parent implementing the “tough love” strategy regards them self, or is regarded by others, as ‘co-dependent’. This is not-at-all a recovery-purposed narrative) is focusing on what it is you can do, in your own personal circumstances, that will serve to encourage your addicted loved one in defining (for themselves) what it is that will engage/strengthen healthier decision-making regarding their use of substances toward achieving abstinence/sustainable recovery. Recovery is doable. It’s likely, even. We don’t hear this near truth enough. People gain recovery… all the time.
People who are challenged with substance use disorder make authentic change a reality when they themselves identify the reasons for/value of that healthy change.
Specific advisements (i.e. “you should kick him out” “You should drop her at the homeless shelter” “you should not answer his phone calls” “you should not give her any help, of any kind, because if you do that, then that means that you are an enabler”…’This’ from the hearts/mouths of well-intended people -even some clinicians- who , for whatever the reason, are failing to utilize current, empirical data to support an evolving spirit approach/menu of options based on clinical evidence.
Figure out what “tough love” means for your specific circumstances. And, then, maybe consider calling it by some other name. Who knows… maybe you’ll coin a more positively associated term for strategies with the goal of facilitating healthy change.
For the record: Not, in any way, suggesting that it’s never advisable to have a son/daughter, in active addiction, find an alternative living arrangement. But an indicator that this scenario is being handled in a potentially dangerous manner is when our request/demand for a son or daughter to move/vacate the family home is accompanied by passive aggressive threats, shouting, or otherwise deregulated emotions on our part. And, all too often, this is the picture that precedes ‘detachment’. It’s not advisable-this approach. This emotion-heightened approach can increase stress/anxiety in our addicted family member and can induce a potentially harmful spiral for them. Be mindful about this “detaching with love” concept being clichéd-about, too.
Again…these words can mean one thing to one person, and something completely different to someone else.
Let’s focus on investments of our energies and resources that will engage a sense of hope and a strengthened relational dynamic within the family collective -more effective, empathy-driven communications. Also, added to record: Empathy does NOT equal enabling. We’ve got to understand this critical component of engaging change/recovery. That is: Genuine, reflective listening, as in… “Two ears, one mouth… Use accordingly.”
Parents…Have faith in your ability to make appropriate decisions about your circumstances. Be reasonably cautious about applying ‘specific’ advisements from others -especially if the eager, well intentioned advisor(s) is unfamiliar with the detailed history associated with your specific circumstance –no matter who they are, or what their credentials are.
There is simply just no way to control our addicted loved ones thoughts, responses, and actions. But, we absolutely can influence healthier decision-making by them. It takes time. In unconsciously/or consciously placing our focus on trying to control our addicted loved one via punitive measures; we increase the likelihood that we are missing opportunity to effect real change. Plus, we risk inadvertently sending a message to our son/daughter, who is struggling with a substance use disorder or issue, that we really don’t believe in their ability to make healthy change.
Think about another common cliché/saying associate with addiction, “My parent group reminds me that I can tell when my ‘addict’ son is lying to me -That would anytime his lips are moving.” Really? So, precisely, how is this little jewel of a cliché supposed to create a consistently-dependable, trust-based environment in which to facilitate healthy conversation and strengthened rapport with our son/daughter?
It took me a long time to figure out what did and did not engage my son in terms of my actions, reactions and interactions with him. Overtime, I’ve gotten better and better at defining, case by case, what best supports/utilizes my sons, as well as me and my family’s collective strengths in facilitating healthy change/sustainable recovery.
I/we/my son applied some really bad, albeit well-intended advisements from peer-related sources and clinical sources over the, now, 15 year journey. But, on the positive… I think we learn well from what has not worked for us, too. I’m grateful for all the investments/efforts we’ve made toward better health/wellbeing …The road -all of it-supplies the ever-increasing hope we have gained from our experiences.
Interesting thread, I always love a good debate. I learn the most when I see posts like this, a lot of knowledge and wisdom and in the end, you make your own choice. Take what you want, leave the rest.
For the record, I am a FIRM BELIEVER IN TOUGH LOVE. I don’t just say it, I mean it. There are no soft landings in my house. When I say, you can’t come back, that means, you can’t come back. I don’t bring my addict home for a night knowing they are using so they can have a “last good meal” before detox in the morning or a nice comfy bed or couch for “one last time”, nor would I chase after or pick up. I did it twice and that was enough for me. My child has over a year and yes a relapse could happen tomorrow, but I have learned that is not my problem. Might sound harsh, but I moved on in my life, it is not my addiction. I have never paid a dime for treatment and I am pretty sure that I wouldn’t in the future. Tough love — i have done it and will continue to do it. I just recently heard a very knowledgable speaker in long term recovery, who also ran a program and also lost a child to this disease. I felt he was pretty qualified to state that tough love works. His words pretty much covinced me that I have been doing the right thing and that tough love does work.
I too like a healthy exchange of ideas and yes take what you want and leave the rest is good advice.
Thank you for your point of view, as you sound like you “walk the walk”
I have to side with the author of Addiction Journal on this one.
Sidda, when you write “parents should reject tough love approaches and instead adopt moderate behaviors based on both reasonable personal boundaries and commen sense recovery supports for their addicted loved ones” what do you have in mind?
My husband and I declared our home drug free, stopped handing out money, attended counseling as a family, attended parent support groups, provided IOP and residential treatment programs, hired therapists, recovery coaches and we were still picking our son up from the shower floor,passed out from using inhalants.
Tom, what medication would you recommend to assist recovery when the DOC is cocaine?
As we were relying on what we thought were “common sense recovery supports” our son was spiraling out of control like nothing I have ever seen. I knew that if we didn’t try something drastic he would not live to see another birthday.
In our situation the only thing left was to put our son out of the house with NOTHING. In time he returned to us and asked for help. Today he is in long term residential treatment (his choice) and is five months sober. This is the first time I have seen him serious about recovery.
No, there are no guarantees. Along the line I decided that if my son were to die from his disease it would not be on my dime or under my roof. By this time I had sat in too many parent support groups listening to parents who had coddled this disease far too long.
Like the author of this blog I listened to the parents of kids who had found recovery. And I paid particular attention to the young people who were recovering. I hate gambling. But when forced to choose, I’m betting on tough love and the 12 steps.
Thank you for your post..your point of view and wisdom will help others…
I just read your March 2 reply to Tom, and I wanted to say…
You had me at… sleeping with one eye open, bringing my purse, wallet, computer, and phone with me to bed each night when he is home and finding things in the house I needed to go on the internet to figure out what they were. I've done it all and a lot more.
I love your point of view and I hope you will continue to offer it.
Peace and strength right back at you.
Jennifer
OMG, you've been watching me. (…and alot more, oh how I understand that statement). Thank you.
Tough love as “Mythology”?? I take offense to that statement as a parent and student of Addiction based on a Family Dynamics perspective Tom. Tough Love viewed as a type of control for another person’s recovery is outlandish to me. Tough Love is in my opinion hard to actually place into action. The term is frightening at first and impies that we must build a “Wall” of protection for ourselves…but Tough Love is simply to be interpreted by each individual and used as a loving way to regain some personal distance from the chaotic life we as parents experience in this horrific nightmare. I have used Tough Love myself…on myself, not on my addicted loved ones. It was a tool I used to reframe my old way of thinking and responding to the crisis that was occuring each day with my addcited loved ones. No one was hurt in this process, in fact we have had positive results. I stopped the elevator that was only headed dwon and got off, walked accross the hall over to the stairs and took one step at a time. My loved ones followed one be one, until we all reunited again at the top. Like I have said many times…nothing is perfect…it is better than it was…and it never was perfect to begin with, that is the “Myth”…perfection. Do people die on the streets? Yes, unfortunately they do…but are the loved ones to blame for that because they choose to value their own lives? You cannot be a sacrificial lamb in this…if you try, no one wins. Those who choose the hard road and addiction over the value of life are those individuals who have burned many bridges. Those family members who have loved ones on the streets didn’t all rally together to send them there. Some actually choose that life. We should never stand in judgment of any one who is addicted or loves an addict. We should only support one another and give each other hope that is based on what was truly effective for them and what our gut tells us is right for us to enforce. Peace and sanctity can only be realized by those of us who have done all we can do and then do something completely different when that doesn’t work. Tough Love isn’t about giving up or casting aside, it is about continuing on even when you feel exhausted…when that little voice in your ear whispers one last time…and you listen. Have a good day gentlemen…try to be more supportive and not so black and white…that is pre-formal thinking and we are way beyond that in age and experience.
Bill, I am sorry to hear about your wife’s cancer. I have lost people close to me to cancer as well. As you stated yourself in your post, chemotherapy “offers no guarantees.” My point was that at least chemotherapy, unlike tough love,is a research-based treatment with evidence of effectiveness.
I never mentioned 12 step programs in my comment. And I did not refer to 12 step programs as “old fashioned.” I support 12 step programs as part of the menu of recovery options. I did refer to tough love as recovery mythology, which it is.
Tough love is not mentioned in any of the 12 steps. The 12 steps are about personal recovery. Tough love is about trying to control another person’s recovery. This is why I make a distinction between personal boundaries which are designed for self-protection (which are good) and tough love which is designed to cause or permit harm to another in an effort to change their behavior (which is bad…harm is bad).
On the issue of the “busine$$” of recovery, I’m not sure where you are coming from on that. My training and my years of professional experience do not make me less qualified than a parent to offer something of value to the conversation.
I won’t take your comments too personally because I noticed you were also pretty insulting to Ron (who is a father with an addicted son, which I am not) in your earlier comments. I read Ron’s blog and posts on Intervene. He is clearly a thinker and a committed father, and I have a lot of respect for Ron and his family. I find myself really rooting for his son. If you are willing to question his integrity based on his efforts to reach out to other parents on Intervene because he is somehow not financially pure enough for you, then I guess I shouldn’t expect better.
Since you asked, I am an addictions professional. I started and still run (after over 11 years) a program for people living with and seeking to overcome addiction to opiates. I experience my work as a calling. It’s not just a job to me. I give my time, my talents, and my genuine self to my work. I offer something of value, and I am paid in return. What is wrong with that?
You know, many of the people I encounter in my work have nobody on their side. They have lost everything…home, family, health, children, jobs, freedom, and hope. They sit in jail for years at a time, and nobody visits and nobody writes. One client was in the hospital with cancer, and nobody from his family visited him even once, although they lived only an hour away. Another client was in the hospital and her family wouldn’t let her come home to die. Another family came into town and asked their mentally ill and homeless son to meet them at the airport. He cried talking about how it felt to watch the rest of the family leave on a shared vacation without him. He knew it would be painful, but he went anyway because he knew it would be the only chance he would get to see them (even though they live 45 minutes away). None of this suffering resulted in recovery.
Withholding family contact and support is not therapeutic. It is the opposite. It does not contribute to recovery…it only contributes to suffering.
It’s not about the enabling/hitting bottom/tough love nonsense. Parents who get sucked into that circus side show are focusing on the wrong thing. It’s about helping their loved one identify a realistic path to recovery, removing barriers to recovery, and providing appropriate recovery supports (while maintaining reasonable personal boundaries). That’s what works.
Tom
Hi Tom thanks for your professionalism…
Parents,those of us who have slept with one eye open, checked our children to see if they are still breathing, sleep with our purses under our pillows, lock our valuables up in our home, lost our marriages to the disease, found syringes in our laundry etc etc. approach the addiction disease with a far different perspective than professionals
We LOVE our children…( That includes Tough Love) we don’t see them as patients.
We live the our life wondering if we are going to get a call saying that our child is dead, or in jail. We don’t shut our “beeper” off at the end of the office hours.
LOVE vs treating patients.
Again I have spoken to hundreds of young men and women in recovery ( no methadone, no vivatrol etc ) who will attest to the value of what you label a myth. Maybe it is not taught in the classrooms where the B.A. degrees are handed out.
The classes parents attend are far tougher, run 24 x 7, and offer us an education on addiction that will never be gleaned in a classroom. Our education starts in our home with our addicted child.
My teachers are those young men and women in recovery… My teachers are the parents (not professionals ) who wake up every day and advocate for their family.
regarding the INTERVENE site.. PURDUE PHARMA sponsors that site… Those who contribute there have free will but I have heard other parents call the site “BLOOD MONEY” . If other parent’s wish to contribute their “insight” to a site funded by a company who advocates for the undertreatment of pain and was found guilty of mismarketing OXYCONTIN that is their choice. I don’t blame PURDUE for addiction, as I do believe in the disease model. However the mismarketing disgust me… and their flagship drug in my opinion is like pouring gasoline on the match of addiction … Read Marianne Skoleks facts about the PURDUE company. They are not in the business of recovery Tom, the are about increasing their 60 BILLION dollar profit… INTERVENE ? PARTNERSHIP DRUG FREE is a ruse…
You state… But tough love increases the risk of harm, delays recovery and perpetuates addiction.
Others would argue that use of harm reduction drugs have the same outcome. You point of view as a professional is welcome here at the Addiction Journal but yours is the point of view of a professional not a parent.
You and I approach addiction w/ different points of view… but I want you to understand that Tough Love is tough on the parents and is not an all out “cut the addict” out of our lives approach. It is about boundaries, It is about ceasing enabling, It is about accountability, It is about not rescuing our child…
It is love…. the love of a parent…not a professional
This blog is not really a discussion forum..there are many forums out on the web that will debate this question endlessly…
I have my point of view and will offer it and others to those who wish to read…
peace and strength
As another parent of an active addict I feel the need to chime in here.
I am also a believer in Tough Love. Tom as I read your description of the callousness of some of the parents you were speaking about, that is NOT the TOUGH Love that I believe in.
Tough love says; I love you enough to think beyond today, beyond allowing you to use in my home thinking its a safe place to do so. (My son overdosed in his bedroom and had to be brought back to life with the use of Narcan).
It thinks beyond the desire to fix what we cannot possibly fix in our loved one, and says I can only work on me. Applying tough love; includes love, it includes forgiveness, it includes a tender touch, but it will not allow active addiction in our homes, in front of young children. It will not allow stealing, violence, verbal and physical abuse. All effects of drug addiction. There are WAY to many parents who think it is OK to endure all of that for the sake of the addict. Tough love when applied with LOVE (please remember that it is part of the equation) can bring about and is bringing about change in the addicted. I too, have heard from Recovered addicts that it wasn’t until their Parents – shut the door – so to speak on them, that they got serious about Recovery.
I have had to draw some firm lines with my own son. Ones I do not regret. Lines that have helped move him closer to long term Recovery.
I’ve also heard parents speak who have lost their child in death to addiction, wishing they had gotten tougher sooner.
I will take hurting my son’s “feelings” for a season over watching him die in my home if it means one day his life will be turned around and he will walk long term in Recovery.
Always, Sending Hope to all who walk in the Shadow of addiction.
Susan
thank you for your wisdom.. I urge others to read her parent blog at a MOTHER’S HEART
my son suffered from a 18 yr addiction in which every avenue possible was tried. AA rehabs, hosp., long term faucilties, methadone, cold turkey, and YES tough love… all of it had a short time sobriety effect,but always returning to a increase of drug use. We were using the tough love approach when he died from an overdose alone in his apt. my question is What can YOU live with if your addict dies??
Carol Im sorry to hear that your son lost his battle with addiction.
I think you pose a key question..what can you/we live with. I pondered the same question and then I wrote this http://addictionjournal.net/?p=3329.
When my son went off a few months ago…i knew in my heart that I had exhausted the options I could have provided had the worst occurred. Thankfully today is a better day.. but again you pose one of the most important questions that we all must answer with honesty!
peace to you
I love this post, as I love most of them…your writing has a way to relate to all of us in one way or another, they allow us to feel like were not alone…in which we aren’t! Through my sons addiction Im and learning a different method of parenting, and am so grateful for all people who have reached out to me, to offer there support and share there experience . Im lucky, in that my son shares everything….good bad and indifferent……He believes in the 12 step program….and says if you want sobriety bad enough then you will take the challenge of doing the steps….he says…that the steps scare him…but when he completes one its the best feeling in the world…to me that in its self says a lot. He also tried the suboxine route….hated it…as he said thats a drug…and Im trying to get off of drugs….. In all the addicts I have herd speak they have all praised the 12 step program…..and have stated it wasn’t until there family used tough love, that they finally was forced to face there addiction.
We have drawn our line, in this house, and our addict son knows it, he knows that if he pushes, we will push back, that there are no more second chances…. Gratefully for today, he is working the program…
People are entitled to there opinions , but on this blog we come here to read, to learn and deep down we are all searching for that little shimmer of light, that brings us hope.
I thought I would chime in since I heard my site Recovery Helpdesk was mentioned here (thanks for reading and quoting Sidda!).
Bill, I have to be honest and say I’m not a fan of your chemotherapy analogy.
Chemotherapy is a research-based medical treatment that has been scientifically proven to be effective. It is administered by trained medical professionals in a controlled environment where both beneficial effects and negative side effects can be monitored. And chemotherapy is not used when a more effective and less risky alternative is available.
Tough love, in contrast, is recovery folklore. It is not research based, and has not been scientifically proven to be effective. It is a dangerous home remedy.
On top of that, tough love is often used even though less dangerous and more effective options are available.
Parents need to recognize the difference between healthy boundaries (which are good) and tough love (which is bad).
The reason I spend a lot of time talking about tough love/hitting bottom approaches on my site is because the recovery mythology around this topic is pervasive and dangerous.
As an aside, this is also why I talk a lot on my site about medication-assisted recovery…again it is an area where many parents bypass science in favor of mythology (and their addicted sons and daughters suffer for it).
My focus on tough love myth-busting and education about medication-assisted treatment options on my site is in response to the apparent need to correct a lot of misinformation being given to parents on these topics.
Bill, it seems you “drank the Kool-Aid” on both “tough love is good” and “medication-assisted treatment is bad (or at least not recovery).” Are you open to listening to another perspective?
I would love for you to read my site from cover to cover, and then let me know what you think. I may not change your mind, but I do predict you will find the site interesting and thought-provoking.
You might start with the article “Tough Love Delays Recovery For Heroin Addicts” which you can find under the Parents tab.
Thanks, Tom
Bill, you say you welcome other points of view, so I hope you won’t mind if I invite your readers to
Chemical Solutions for a Spiritual Disease?
and regarding Chemo, you state : “Chemotherapy is a research-based medical treatment that has been scientifically proven to be effective.”
I buried my wife four years after a battle with cancer she too would argue the effectiveness of Chemo. I saw Chemo thrown at my wife at an alarming rate, and caution you not to allow yourself complete trust in those that administer drugs or recovery for profit.
Tom, I hope others do read your site but to dismiss 12 step treatment as “mythology” is inane. Calling 12 steps old fashioned is like calling air and water old fashioned. Keep reading Tom..
I will take the advice of those I have met in recovery leading healthy drug free productive lives using what you refer to as 12 step Kool aid.
I am not dismissing harm reduction drugs, they have their place and in no way shape or form have I dismissed them as bad. Profit driven…often..but not bad.
As I told Sidda …i have made 0 dollars on the “pay it forward” attempts found at this blog…
that to me is the thought provoking part. Im wondering if you can say the same? This link implies an answer.. http://www.recoveryhelpdesk.com/paypal/
I am truly a parent not a professional. Are you are parent of an addicted child or in the busine$$ of recovery?
Thanks
Bill
Wow, I guess that you would consider all counselors who get paid and all drug rehab centers that ARE PAID to be in the busine$$ of recovery.
You are right clearly you are not a professional and your snarky reply to Tom was uncalled for.
Wow. The title alone stopped me. I took a day to think about just the title. This morning I was ready to read the article. Thank you for writing this.
We sent our son to military school in September because we had exhausted all consequences, speeches, lectures, groundings, bedroom-door-removals, technology take-aways, out-patient rehabs, and useless doctor visits.
I’m afraid our journey isn’t even close to being over – so, I’ll keep your thoughts in my head to help me.
Feel free to read my little blog. I started writing a week after he left for the military school – It helps me fall asleep at night.
http://majormomma.com
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer
Thanks for commenting ..for me I had to accept the journey is never over. I could deal w/ the journey many ways but have chosen to blog etc to help both myself and others..
I will read your blog ..thanks for sharing !
I just read a great book " Lost Years" It truly deals with tough love.
Thanks Jackie Nelson …
From the books web page:About the Book
The Lost Years is a true life story of addiction and recovery that reveals the brutal details of the worst that can happen to an ordinary family and how they triumphed over adversity. It describes a daughter’s decline into alcohol and drug addiction, and her mother’s attempts to rescue her yet protect herself and her other children. Written as a dual narrative, mother and daughter give their first hand accounts of the years lost to addiction and alcoholism, and how tough love, intervention and rehabilitation eventually saved them and their family. Kristina now works in the treatment of addiction as an expert interventionist and Constance shares her hope and recovery with families, in Al-Anon meetings and in their community.
http://thelostyearsbook.com/
Parents Should Reject Tough Love Approaches
Tough love is sold to parents as an antidote to “enabling.” But tough love increases the risk of harm, delays recovery and perpetuates addiction.
“Parents should reject tough love approaches and instead adopt moderate behaviors based on both reasonable personal boundaries and common sense recovery supports for their addicted loved one.”
1 Lisa at FOA April 8, 2011 at 11:27 pm
Thank you very much for speaking the truth about tough love. During my brother’s addiction, most of the professionals we worked with recommended the use of tough love. We were told this is what he needed to help him seek treatment to get sober. This approach to substance abuse treatment is heart breaking for family members to implement, but since we did not know what else to do we did it. My brother ended up dying from his addiction. Yes, that really makes our love for him tough now.If I had to do over I would NOT engage in any tough love methods or thought processes. Addiction is a deadly disease and needs to be treated as such. I would not treat anyone who was suffering from any other disease with the standards of tough love. I would encourage parents and other family members to not use the tough love approach in dealing with substance abuse. Instead seek reputable substance abuse resources that support a responsible approach to addiction treatment.
– Taken from Recovery Helpdesk.com
There is not a one size fits all method when it comes to addiction every situation is unique and I believe that it is very very dangerous for any bloggers to say that their way is the way all parents should handle any given situation.
Yes, we all glean wisdom from one another but it does not replace the need for a counselor who sees the entire situation and family.
Read More About Tough Love
Hi Sidda – thanks for comments… The recovery help desk seems to be a site that offers links to rehabs that favor vivatrol, suboxone, methadone etc.
Those are fine for harm reduction purposes but is the continued use of the drugs what you would constitute as recovery?
People are making profits off the continued “dependance” of these drugs by our children. I am not in the business of recovery and my total income for recovery the past 5 years has been 0 dollars and 0 cents… I put my point of view up there for what it is..1 Dad’s point of view… no funding, no profits.
Tough love is not old fashioned, nor is the 12 step approach. I am not saying they are the only approach but in the Northeast it is the way our kids will build a network etc. as 25 of26 kids in real recovery will be 12 stepping..
Again thank you for commenting and thanks for reading
Extensive studies have been done, sometimes “tough love” works sometimes it doesn’t. They can die on the streets just as easily as in your home. Bottom line an addict is done doing dope when they are done doing dope, nothing anyone does or does not do will not change when they decide they are finished. If you can’t live with it in your home they should be asked to leave but it is in no way shape or form a guarantee that they will turn it around and recover. Tough love is an old concept as is the 12 step program, many addicts have recovered without either of those.
Can you provide the readers with links to the extensive studies by the professionals that profit from them? For me I will take the word of the hundreds of kids I have met in recovery that taught me simply : Tough Love ( call it what you will ) works! As I stated in the post there are no guarantees w/ either the chemo or the tough love. For me, it was a choice. I looked around, saw what worked, and applied it.
I’ll provide you with the extensive study links when you provide me with the years of recovery that the hundreds of kids that the 12 step program and tough love worked for. Deal?
Studies and the results of said studies are public by nature. The anonymous recovery of individuals is a far more personal matter. 12 steps are anonymous by design, whereas studies etc are usually profit driven. My beliefs are 12 step but as stated before I don’t censor other’s points of view. Thanks for your opinion
Bill thank you for sharing. After a second relapse in 3 weeks we had to tell our 22 year old daughter she can no longer live in our home, take the car back etc. She initially argued the n said she does not blame us she is only mad at herself for relapsing. I remain hopeful for her, she knows we love her.
She knows what to do if she becomes desperate and wants treatment. For now we need to protect ouselves and home from the drama of her addiction.
Saying the Serenity Prayer often!
David
David, I am truly sorry to read and I have heard from others in the area you are a great advocate for the cause.
Hopefully she will turn it around. There is not much I can say to help you. You know the score and how to proceed. Step away from yourself and then advise “David”.
I am told by M. that you’re a pretty wise parent .
Your daughter, like my son , has the recovery connections. If she wants to reach out they will be there. Thankfully my son reached out and is coming out of the Plymouth House tomorrow.
I will say a prayer for your child …..yes the Serenity Prayer helps. .
hang tough David
- bill
I have never been accused of being a “passive” personality…I would like to think of myself as “assertive”, but I know I have shown aggression when I began to express myself in the “Tough Love” aspect of treatment. I misunderstood “tough love”, the definition to me meant something much different than how I understand it today. I am glad to say that I have used “Tough Love” on my addicted loved ones. It didn’t take away the nightmares, nor did it ease my mind as to where they were or how they may be getting by…but it did restore their independence. It provided for decisions to be made by them, for them. The responsibility shifted from me to them, and they had to figure their course in this nightmare. I became very direct, very candid in my description to them as to my overall view and thoughts of an outcome if they were to continue without seeking the help they needed. As much as I love my sons…I had to show them and tell them exactly what I was willing to expose myself to. Applying “tough love” was most difficult for me, the results were worth every moment I struggled with that decision. Is it perfect? Hell no…it is better, and to me, that is satisfactory. We have something again that we lost, mutual respect. I say to anyone who is on the fence with this notion of applying tough love…get real, face the reasons you are denying the facts that without it, your child may die in your presence. I refuse to allow that before me as my last memory of my child. I cannot control this, I cannot cure it, I didn’t casue it…but I sure as heck won’t support it.
thank your for your wisdom elaine > I urge others to visit her Fractured Families blog
This is a very well thought out analogy. No one would ever willingly put them self or their child through the process of Chemo unless there was proof that such “medicine” could prolong or heal their life.
And as POA stated; hundreds of those young people in Recovery making the statement…”When my parents closed the door and no longer enabled my addiction” is all the PROOF I need to know that Tough Love (or how ever you word it) and detaching with love are the ONLY weapons in our arsenal as the loved ones addicts.
I find it interesting that as parents we LONG to fix our kids… and when we are handed the very tools that will intime set our children about the business of fixing themselves, we shy away, we refuse to apply them.
Don’t wait!!!!! Like Chemo, if we wait too long and the cancer has progressed to the point of no return its medicinal effects will be of no real value.
Well said POA… keep the posts coming.
Truthfully I'd just as soon we get rid of the term "tough love" all together. It's misleading, frightening and is not a good descriptor of the actual methodology of what happens.
Last year I wrote a post on this subject and proposed we get rid of this harsh negative descriptor. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/09/tough-love-language-of-negativity.html
The terms Tough Love ( Not my term and is pretty standardized by the 12 step groups ) and your “real love” are pretty interchangeable. Semantics perhaps? Yes tough love is frightening…as is Chemo…but neither are as frightening as the thought of not doing everything possible ( Including the medicine of Tough Love ) and finding my kid dead in his bedroom. I will apply all the weapons at my disposal.
Ron…We have disagreed in the past ( I would never offer my blogs to the Partnership at Drug Free org due to the backend funding by PURDUE Pharma. ) Diff. points of view are fine as that is what makes “recovery” so interesting everyone has a different approach. I am not funded by anyone thus I can simply put my point of view out there to helps others and offer them one DAD’s suggestions ( karen are you paying attention here to the gender? ) The one thing I try not to ever do is censor at the Addiction Journal. Different points of view allow us all to learn. I have been censored and I truly think it is total bs not to allow others points of view ( providing they are courteous and sensitive to others ) Keep reading Ron.. peace
Wow what a great analogy. While leaving my homeless addicted son on the streets and applying my own method of “tough love”, letting him feel the consequences of his addiction, cold, hungry, scared – many times I felt so sick I wanted to throw up. Shaking, sick myself because I wanted so bad to hug him, feed him etc. but telling myself over and over I will not contribute to his death by making this comfortable for him to be a heroin addict. The past two years of that tough love has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. However – just yesterday, I dropped my son off at a 6 month residential treatment program. One he wouldn’t have entered if I had continued enabling.
Stay strong “amothersheart” very touching. I will keep you both in my prayers <3
Tough love…is not only tough on the addict but very tough on the family member who must apply it. It sucks to apply and goes against the “fix the boo boo ” mentality that most of us raise our kids with.
I hope your son does well in the 6 month program…
Again…every kid in recovery I spoke to says the same thing ” it is when mom and DAD got tough and stopped enabling that I began to seek my recovery”
Hang in there