Enabler’s loophole?
I was at a support group last evening. A few “powerful” participants [There are always George Orwell “Some animals are more equal than other” types at support groups] stated, “ There are no right or wrong things to do” when working within the framework of family addiction.”
I cringed as in my humble opinion, behaviors such as enabling, rescuing, and codependency are all WRONG. I am not judging for the sake of judging, but rather to offer hope. Hope takes some work on our part.
I don’t think new parents can grasp all the recovery concepts immediately, but sayings like “in your own time” and “there are no right or wrongs” are what I think of as the enablers loopholes. These warm fuzzy sayings allow parents to remain stagnant thus sick. Beware of the enabler’s loophole as it can hold you comfortable yet captive for years.
Fact 1: WORK is hard and sometimes painful
Fact 2: WORK within addiction recovery harder. The work is painful and very emotional and within addiction there are no guarantees.
Fact 3: As you begin to do the work you will begin to reap the tiny dividends that eventually begin to snowball into recovery.
Or you can do it in your “own time ..not worry about the rights or wrongs” and stay wrapped up in the disease. Your addict child’s health will be adversely affected but you will look good loving them.
Work is hard… the payoff is health!
Peace and strength!
Marsha Smith:
February 17th, 2012 at 2:50 pm
You are so right! The work is hard but so worth it! Thanks for sharing and helping!
Elaine Altman-Eller:
February 17th, 2012 at 10:07 am
Seems as though most of us begin this journey with a “Do no harm” attitude…but often confuse the harm with the reality of the strong hold addiction in the family actually has…and how powerful guilt really is…misplaced guilt is much more harmful than adapting to the reality of “Tough love”…
Susan Silva:
February 17th, 2012 at 10:29 am
I can remember being at that place… until I was sorely confronted with my own enabling. Once confronted, it gave me the power to truly act on 1st my own recovery, and 2nd to see my son’s addiction in a truly different light. When the light was shed on my own path, it in turn cast a bit of light on his. As parents we best find the strength to get one step ahead and shed some of that light.
As always my friend… your spot on! Keep shedding that light!
Karen Jennett-Chalikes:
February 17th, 2012 at 3:51 pm
the work is very hard,,, but God never wastes a hurt and He will hold you tight thru it all…thanks for sharing!
Mary Jane:
February 17th, 2012 at 10:59 am
I once lived in those loop holes it took me a while because I was also denying that my son could be that bad…I didnt even believe he was an addict…..Once Dawn hit marble head I made changes not easy ones but needed ones….the result recovery in two weeks it will be 2 years and 7 months…..I now work on living in the day and knowing today is a good day and try to stop always being afraid of a relapse…my son does not count his sober time but I still do…maybe his recovery is better than my own…….As always your post in right on the money!
Rita Rae Lundquist Hall:
February 17th, 2012 at 8:24 pm
The paragraph after fact 3 really hit home. I am glad I decided to be TOUGH hard as it is it HAS to be RIGHT!
Rita Rae Lundquist Hall:
February 17th, 2012 at 8:24 pm
The paragraph after fact 3 really hit home. I am glad I decided to be TOUGH hard as it is it HAS to be RIGHT!
Michelle:
February 18th, 2012 at 12:21 am
I sat next to a wise man at a meeting the other night, you seem to share the same philosophy. I am fortunate to find myself in the company of people willing to share their words of courage, strength, hope, and wisdom. Thank you…
Tough Love, the Chemotherapy of Addiction « Addiction Journal:
February 28th, 2012 at 7:19 am
[...] Apply the technique sooner than later and stop waiting for your time as that truly becomes the enabler’s loophole. Addiction loves the enablers [...]