Waiting for Amends?
I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard a parent that had a child in early 12 step recovery say “I am going to enjoy Steps 8 and 9 as he/ she will make amends and apologize for all the wrongs committed during their drugging period.”
I urge them to stop waiting for that Amends Bus. The Amend steps were designed for the addict’s recovery not as something we should hold over our child’s head.
Does it make any difference in the harms that were inflicted upon your family? If your child is in recovery what was done to you is over ( If they are truly working the 12 step approach)
From what I read in other non 12 step groups, (Jesus Christ ,Buddah, whatever higher power you embrace ) it is bigger /better for us to simply forgive our child/spouse for the harm inflicted thus furthering our own spiritual health.
“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain
I never presume to be able to think like someone in recovery but I would venture to guess they are probably sorry for the incredible damage they inflicted during their drugging period. They remember painfully the wrongs inflicted upon their family and friends.
I see my own son reflect on his drugging period. His drugging was in full force at a time when he would lose his mom to cancer. That is a reality he often struggles with in his own recovery.
If someone is truly working their steps I do accept their amends. The acceptance is not done for me but hopefully to help them move on in their recovery. I have gotten to a point ( after a lot of work ) where I have begun to forgive those that ransacked my home both physically and emotionally. It is what it is..
For me I had to say to myself ” get over it ..the iPods are gone, the checks were forged, your child’s name was slapped all over the front page …it is time to move on .
Moving on will help your recovery. Your parental recovery is truly something you can strive to improve
Thus…I moved on…I hope you can as well.
peace and strength
Ron Grover:
September 14th, 2011 at 3:18 pm
I’ve heard it too from parents, early on when we were just learning about 12 steps I too was one of those parents. It takes a lot of deliberation to move to the right place for oneself.
The longer I hold on to all of the wrongs done to me by my son the addict it just means I have to carry that baggage myself.
I picture it as beginning a trek up a mountain and at the bottom you want to take everything you need, plus some. As you climb that mountain you begin to learn what is essential for your survival. Soon you begin leaving things on the trail to make you journey easier and to more quickly acheive what you need to do to ensure your own survival. Pretty soon those important things in the beginning are nothing more than dead weight.
Expected apologies and resentments are something we need to learn should be left on the trail as we climb. I have left them behind. When I started dropping them my trek was easier and I found that once again I had that spring in my step I had lost long ago.
Terri Looney:
September 14th, 2011 at 6:41 pm
Just to have a son in reovery would be enough for me.
Susan Silva:
September 14th, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Extending forgiveness is never anything we should “hold over one’s head” or only extend it when we feel someone has proven themselves worthy of that forgiveness. The true gift of forgiveness is the one given to oneself when we extend it. By extending forgiveness we release the HOLD the offense has had on us. And it can be extended before the offender is even ready to receive it. Because it’s about our Recovery, its about our being able to take one more step down that path.
I can remember my addict laying in a hospital bed crying all doped up telling me just how sorry he was for all he had done. I guess I could have told him I didn’t beleive him, I could have quoted some facts about addiction, I could have walked out. But the truth is none of us know when or what will trigger long term Recovery for our addicts. It could be that one moment in a hospital bed crying over the guilt and shame they have brought on themselves and family that will move them further down the road of recovery then they have ever been before.
Not extending forgiveness or waiting for my loved one to come begging for it… is a flashing red light to me that I would need to work more on my Recovery.
AddictionJournal:
September 14th, 2011 at 7:45 pm
I am very grateful for each and every day of my son’s recovery. I hope your son finds recovery soon
Lisa:
September 14th, 2011 at 11:10 pm
I appreciate Ron’s wonderful analogy.
Moe:
September 14th, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Often, people make their amends by working the program, showing they have changed, and walking the walk. Not always so much a formal “apology.” To me, watching my son grow into a confident, highly functioning adult is a much more rewarding amends than hearing that he was sorry for the bad behavior he exhibited while actively using drugs.
Terri:
September 15th, 2011 at 1:40 am
Thank you!
beachteacher:
September 15th, 2011 at 3:26 am
I agree with Ron….I have shed so much that I once held onto, during this journey. And terrible though they were…all those things our son did,…now that he’s working on his recovery…the brightness of it glares and takes over the darkness of those past actions. Although I don’t know the future for him…today’s light of his recovery is all I need,..for NOW.
Carrie:
September 15th, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Love this topic! I agree wholeheartedly with letting the recovery itself be the amends. If they truly are working their program the difference in the way they approach and live life is a living amends. I tell my son that every day he is clean is a gift to himself and his family. We don’t need more than that. Remember, Step 9 states, ‘Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.’ I’m sure there are things my son could make amends for that I am not aware of, as well as all thing events I am aware of. I don’t need to know things that will hurt me, nor do I need my son to rehash all the pain we lived through. Once was enough. Living sober is amazing way to make amends to the people who love you.
Chris:
September 17th, 2011 at 1:24 am
Never give up hope, even when they enter recovery it rarely “works” the first time. My son just got out of his third or fourth rehab attempt in 5 years. I’ve learned to hope for the best but be ok with the worst. It’s the only way I can survive…emotionally. Hang in there, they need to do it in their own time. Just pray they are alive long enough to make the time!! I survived my son overdosing at home and as I’m giving him CPR, praying the narcon came quick enough for him to survive…never thought I could do that, but I did! Hang in there! As long as they are breathing, there is ALWAYS hope.
AddictionJournal:
September 17th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
hi chris – thanks so much for your comment. You are correct in restating “Where there is live there is hope” How is your son today? Hopefully today is a good day…
peace and strength
bill
Barbara:
September 27th, 2011 at 12:29 am
I agree with Moe’s comment that seeing my son grow and flourish in his sobriety is more rewarding than telling me his is sorry, and all that I could hope for. I have been waiting however for him to address the things he has done to us during his active addiction because I thought that was an essential part of his working his steps. I am feeling more relaxed now and not worrying about it(not that it won’t happen). My son seems to have turned the corner and there is nothing that could make me happier!
Today is a great day.
Celeste:
September 28th, 2011 at 12:01 am
I agree with the theory that the recovering addict is quite well aware of the pain they have caused. I know our daughter is. She is truly geninuely sorry for the things she has done. Whatever happened to the Love Story comment “Love means never having to SAY you are sorry”? Forgiveness helps not only the addict but the family too. Holding on to the pain of the wrongs that were done just continues to feed on itself. Trust, however, is a totally different issue. Just because you forgive for the wrongs, doesn’t mean you automatically trust. That takes time to rebuild and I see many possible bumps on that issue. Our daughter is in her latest of several attempts at sobriety, but today is a good day!
MCM:
October 3rd, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Ipods… checks… we all can re-earn money. This was my step-daughter. She checked into detox and rehab yesterday.
She finally admitted to me she CLEANED OUT MY JEWELRY BOX while I was in the hospital and undergoing treatments for breast cancer. She knew I wouldn’t be looking.
My mother’s jewelry, my grandmothers… relatives that aren’t even hers! I will never, ever forgive her for taking the few things I had of my Mom’s and Grandma’s. She has her mother, both of her grandmothers. I have none!
I will never, ever trust her again! She took MY family away to shoot up! I hate her for that!
Susan Silva:
October 3rd, 2011 at 3:25 pm
MCM;
I am so very sorry for the loss of some things that were precious to you. I know that feeling all too well. My son took a ring that my mom gave me about a month before she died.
But truly, things should never be more important then a person. The person of who your mother and grandmother are can NEVER be taken from you. All those wonderful memories and their love and values is what should be passed on to your family. Jewelry though a beautiful gift can never really embody who they were as people.
As for your step-daughter, the person she is right now, is fueled by an addiction that has taken control of her mind and body. What you should hate is the addiction. Not her. Somewhere inside her is the beautiful young lady she is meant to be. And one day, when she has broken free of that addiction, you will be glad you were willing to let go of the anger.
I forgave my son, long before he ever asked. As did my husband, His step father. I have watched my man love him unconditionally. And he, like you had plenty of reasons to hate and never forgive.
Please know extending forgiveness isn’t so much about forgetting what happened,its about no longer giving the circumstance permission to turn you bitter.
I pray you find the strength to forgive, trust can be re-earned somewhere down the road. But forgiveness is more for your own sake, and for your walk down the road of Recovery we as family members need to travel.
Moe:
October 3rd, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Hi MCM
I am very sorry for the loss of your family members as well as the pain brought on by your step daughter’s addiction. It’s extremely difficult to love an addict when they are in the throws of addiction. They are sick and desperate and their actions are often cruel and hurtful. My son was recently a guest speaker at my support group, and for the first time, I heard from his lips some of the appalling things he did when using drugs, the least of which was stealing money from my elderly mother.
I never stopped loving my son, but a year ago, I was angry and heartbroken. I never thought he could be the devoted and thoughtful young man he is today. At present, my son is in early recovery and my family is once again enjoying and loving family time. It took a lot of hard work on my son’s part to get to where he is today. I too have had to work hard on my own recovery, but the work is well worth the benefits afforded each day. I hope your step daughter sticks with treatment and works her program. Time will heal the rest. The rewards of having a sober and loving step-daughter will be more rewarding than words can say.
Warm regards,
Moe
AddictionJournal:
October 4th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
hi MCM …it’s painful to read the chaos that her Addiction has inflicted upon your life..
you wrote: My mother’s jewelry, my grandmothers… relatives that aren’t even hers! I will never, ever forgive her for taking the few things I had of my Mom’s and Grandma’s. She has her mother, both of her grandmothers. I have none!
I will never, ever trust her again!
Addicts that are active have zero loyalty to friends family etc . They simply cant! They are not in control of their own facilities Please read:http://addictionjournal.net/?p=1398 as this is what was taught to me by many many wise people that have helped me in my recovery journey.
The forgiveness you grant will not be for her…it will be for your recovery.
I wish you peace and strength
Elaine-Altman Eller:
October 7th, 2011 at 12:05 pm
I remember thinking that way for quite some time. I would dream of having my loved one approach me and fill my ego back up with flowery speeches and begging forgiveness, proclaiming that I was their savior and if now for my love and understanding…blah,blah,blah. Funny thing is, as time went by, the most important thing was their healing, seeing the true willingness to create change from the inside out and work with confidence again towards a life that had some stability. That is the greatest reward, that was apology enough for me. I did hear apologies, but by that time, it was no longer necessary for me to hear. I got what I wanted, my family back.
AddictionJournal:
October 7th, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Elaine ..thanks for another nice hopeful post! What is your blog address as the URL from your post is not resolving correctly. I am sure many would love to read !
The change jar – contains forgiveness and a chuckle. « Addiction Journal:
October 24th, 2011 at 2:39 pm
[...] As a parent of an addict I knew I would never attain peace if I did not work on the forgiveness piece of my own recovery work. [...]
parent of addict:
November 18th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. –Mahatma Gandhi
Regina Hix:
January 4th, 2012 at 8:54 pm
LOVE this one!
AddictionJournal:
January 4th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Thank you Regina Hix
Maria:
July 17th, 2012 at 10:29 pm
help!! I’m in the crisis stage. my son in and out, mostly in jail, still in denial… I’m afraid he has lost his mind… and the way I’m feeling right now, I can never forgive him for what he has put his father and I through… I am so shattered, Lord knows what is keeping me going each day.