Blaming the boyfriend or girlfriend
I read many addiction/ recover blogs written by strong parents with addicted children willing to share their stories to help others.
I see the words “boyfriend/ girlfriend” so often in these blogs. I think of it as the blame game.
I often read – “My precious kins is fine until she sees the “boyfriend/ girlfriend” . When she sees the “boyfriend” she immediately relapses. I hate the boyfriend. It’s the boyfriend’s fault my daughter is addicted”.
I have seen too many relapses and been taught by my “recovery” friends that the choice is theirs. Relapse is not the girlfriends fault.
When / if our kids get a healthy period, they must understand that putting substances in their systems will again turn their lives to garbage. It will not be the fault of some other child should our kids relapse. The decision to “pickup again” belongs to our kids.
Our child must make healthy choices that they learn from experience. Experiences will far outweigh any parental bitching that we do. If every time they meet up with the girlfriend (I’m gender bending here for parity) they get wasted. They must decide not to hang with her next time. No amount of futile control attempts or admonishment will change the course of their sobriety.
I recall attending a local support group meeting where a mother was vilifying her daughter’s boyfriend. It was a weak meeting and the small crowd of broken parents listened to this woman rant on about this “piece o’ shit boyfriend” I listened, bit my tongue, and said a prayer that someday she will find enlightenment. I took my turn speaking an simply mentioned that my son needed to be accountable for his actions. Hopefully that message made it through.
We should feel badly for the “boyfriend” and understand that he too is sick. Do not crucify him!
We might even be sitting our ass next to the “girlfriends” parents at that parental support group that many attend. Al Anon is full of the parents of boyfriends and girlfriends.
So next time you begin to “blame game ” the boyfriend who got your precious-kins high, remember that boyfriend is someone else’s baby and is also sick. Your child opted to pick up with addiction again and the choice to do so was truly theirs.
Peace and strength!
related post : http://addictionjournal.net/?p=2140
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