Blaming the boyfriend or girlfriend
I read many addiction/ recover blogs written by strong parents with addicted children willing to share their stories to help others.
I see the words “boyfriend/ girlfriend” so often in these blogs. I think of it as the blame game.
I often read – “My precious kins is fine until she sees the “boyfriend/ girlfriend” . When she sees the “boyfriend” she immediately relapses. I hate the boyfriend. It’s the boyfriend’s fault my daughter is addicted”.
I have seen too many relapses and been taught by my “recovery” friends that the choice is theirs. Relapse is not the girlfriends fault.
When / if our kids get a healthy period, they must understand that putting substances in their systems will again turn their lives to garbage. It will not be the fault of some other child should our kids relapse. The decision to “pickup again” belongs to our kids.
Our child must make healthy choices that they learn from experience. Experiences will far outweigh any parental bitching that we do. If every time they meet up with the girlfriend (I’m gender bending here for parity) they get wasted. They must decide not to hang with her next time. No amount of futile control attempts or admonishment will change the course of their sobriety.
I recall attending a local support group meeting where a mother was vilifying her daughter’s boyfriend. It was a weak meeting and the small crowd of broken parents listened to this woman rant on about this “piece o’ shit boyfriend” I listened, bit my tongue, and said a prayer that someday she will find enlightenment. I took my turn speaking an simply mentioned that my son needed to be accountable for his actions. Hopefully that message made it through.
We should feel badly for the “boyfriend” and understand that he too is sick. Do not crucify him!
We might even be sitting our ass next to the “girlfriends” parents at that parental support group that many attend. Al Anon is full of the parents of boyfriends and girlfriends.
So next time you begin to “blame game ” the boyfriend who got your precious-kins high, remember that boyfriend is someone else’s baby and is also sick. Your child opted to pick up with addiction again and the choice to do so was truly theirs.
Peace and strength!
related post : http://addictionjournal.net/?p=2140
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Yes, I agree, relationships are a huge part of addiction as well as any situation.
There is no better support than having someone that can relate to what you have/are going through, someone that doesn’t judge you but understands you.
I believe the author of this blog is trying to get the finger pointing theory across.
I was at a meeting one night and wanted to put a stop to this woman who kept going on and on about how much of a dirt bag loser her daughter’s boyfriend was and that her daughter would not be an addict living in hell if he never came into her life. Well, we all have a choice to make, I don’t think her daughter’s boyfriend forced her against her will to use heroin. The daughter had the choice to say no and walk away. The boyfriend is sick just like her daughter. Although we all want what is best for our children…. ultimately they make the decision to do things. It’s the “my child would never do that, it must be the boyfriend/girlfriend’s fault”.
I think it’s great when our addict children find someone they can bond with, have a relationship with and fall in love with that can help and support them through these trying times.
I also agree with most of the comments, my daughter is in a 2 1/2 year relationship and he is also an addict,,, In my view as a parent, one relapses they both do. I believe they have to work there own program, and what will be will be…
Yes, but again… it is their choice. Just because the boyfriend/girlfriend relapses doesn’t mean the other has to. My brother in law also passed away from a drug overdose. Most of his friends at the wake were addicts too… most were crying. Some left the funeral home and went out and did drugs while others walked away wanting to change their lives so that they didn’t end up the same way. It is a choice no matter how you look at it… a very difficult choice as we all know how hard it is to keep clean. Peace to all…
Boyfriend & girlfriends in recovery are a beautiful thing. Don't let me be misleading though. This whole business of recovery is all about relationships. A relationship with a sponsor, who shows you how to form a relationship with a higher power, whom will show you how to have a loving and healthy relationship with self. From there we can go on and repair relationships within the family, the community, etc. The problem as where I see things things start to go in the wrong direction is, when we start to put an intimate relationship ahead of all those others previously mentioned. When we do that, we tend to distract ourselves from the much needed work that needs to be done in order to fully recover. I would never blame a relationship on a relapse, but I do see how the distraction set the person up for a relpse.
This is so true,,,,,,, thanks for posting, Joe
I totally agree!
Absolutley!!!
love this
Very well said. I began this journey 22 years into a relationship ( 15 years of those married and 9 of them with kids by way of a few stats). As soon as my head was clear "I" was ready to go home and resume my relationship with my wife and daughters. My wife had other plans, and in the year i spent away from home, The Work gave me the gift of clarity around motivations. I came to see our relationship as something that existed for more than just my own comfort…
I've remained out of relationships to learn that the key to a viable one is the one that begins when I've finished with wanting one.
I smell a dig in all that….but towards who is the question and I think I know….stay tuned!
oh Keith. no dig, just blogging.
Those new to the work should be apprised that life is a Karmic thing.Born alcoholic, I've listened to my sponsors when they stress, "No Finance, No Romance, No Self-Importance."This for me, is retro-active. 1} I've not earned above the poverty level since 2005.2) I've not been even seriously smooched since 1990 and have harboured a low self opinion all along.Being a chronic relapser, I'm gonna have check on this , but I'm pretty sure that if I remain abstinent, I should stay the course until 2024.
My son was doing well.Clean then the ball hit HARD! we did not see him for 3 weeks! He stopped going to work.He had a great job.I was taking him to work before , I had at my job.they went back with each other.But what does upset me is the her Mother! Had both of then in her house and did not do a thing.till they went to jail! Not a good parent if you ask me.They will soon be out of jail.I hope my son never talks to her as long as I live.But I do not say it is her that made him do it.He or she has there own mind.And if you have money you do not do a long time in jail.They picked my son to give most of time time to.8 years with 3 in side and 4 out.so for me I say they must think about there friend at all time.And the girl was in for 1 year never had to pay for what she took from are home! but my Son does.IT IS ALL ABOUT CHOICES.TX.
I find they look other to do the blaming.They DO WHAT EVER they like.They pass it on to my boyfriend took me there! ETC!
I don’t “blame” the girlfriend but there are two realities: She is a ‘peripheral enabler’ and she is amongst thoe “people, places and things” that need to be changed when you are committed to recovery and accept that fact. It’s his choice to hang with anyone that isn’t sober so be it a girlfriend or a male friend, that’s on him. I had a hard time with the periperal enabling when I was trying so hard not to enable, but then I grew in my recovery and realized I was focused on admitting I was powerless over the addict and conveniently skipped over the part where I am powerless over most things! Once I realized I had no power over her choosing to enable, I let go of any resentment I felt toward her as an “obstacle” to my son’s recovery. It all boils down to HIS choices. He knows what he should and shouldn’t be doing if he wants to live a sober life. End of story.
thanks for commenting Gina – Peripheral enablers..not much we can do about that http://addictionjournal.net/?p=1251 . Thanks for sharing your wisdom about parent recovery
I find that those who don't feel good about themselves are going to gravitate to those with lower standards… and they seem to feed off each other.
Associations of any type encourage – in either a good or bad way. It is certainly a test to anyone teetering with thoughts of an addictive manner, to choose. Blaming 'the other' is not useful as it deflects what the addict needs to do.
So, so true!
I’d like to believe that in my recovery, I have moved on from this method of thinking, but boy oh boy do I remember those days of blaming the friends and girlfriends. And, I don’t even want to talk about the dealers. You know, those dealers who sold drugs to my kid! HA! I remember a dear friend saying out loud to a room full of people at a support group meeting, “OUR KIDS ARE THE DEALERS!” Man, did that hit home.
I have always worried a lot about my son and his relationship problems…I do think he is self medicating a lot with his drug use to make himself feel better because he has a hard time relating to people. It often seems that no matter what, he just cannot make a “friend”. I used to somehow feel responsible for that. I now realize that some of the friends he might have had at the age of 13, 14, 15 might have turned away from him as he began experimentation with drugs….but in any case, it is his deal. Makes me sad, though.
This really hits home. I remember being furious with the “loser” kids who were responsible for my child’s drug use. The day I could finally admit that my child was a drug addict and was one of “those kids” that other parents didn’t want their children hanging with, was a huge step for me. It took time to reach that point, but once I could get my arms around reality, I could begin to heal and reach out to others.
I must admit I did that for awhile, and the ‘girlfriends’ parents did the same regarding my son. The truth be told, they came to the relationship using, used together, pointed the finger at the other for being the reason they picked up again (I didn’t even need to blame her, they did enough blaming all by themselves.)
I stopped telling him he needed to end the relationship… and I think he finally ended it… I don’t even ask anymore.
As they get clean and stay that way, they will begin to see the forest through the trees…
Well said.