Peripheral Enablers – Grandparents and other fixers!
Trying to control a peripheral enabler is almost as futile as trying to control the addict.
I define the “peripheral enabler” as that “well intentioned” family member or friend who is going to cure our child. They will provide our addicted child some element that we did not provide our child as a parent. They are our children’s self appointed saviors!
As moms and dads it is difficult to get on the same page on how we will deal with our sick child. Then grandma, auntie, uncle, or some other peripheral family member swoops in to “help” or “fix” what they perceive to be our “parental failure”. Chaos quickly ensues.
The oft arrogant peripheral enabler will easily “FIX” the addict that we have been unable to turn around. These enablers are far smarter than we are. They will love them away from addiction!
In my world the peripheral enabler were my in laws who would bail out my son and declare that I was a heartless son of a bitch as I left my son to deal with the consequences of his drugging. The peripheral enablers in my life were uncontrollable and would immediately post bail. I stopped trying to control them too.
Peripheral enablers eventually lose control or learn they cannot fix the addict. It just takes them a bit longer because they have not experienced our child’s disease first hand.
We must not allow their enabling to destroy our strength but rather understand that eventually the peripheral enabler learns the futility of their actions. They love our child and have great intentions but are misguided by the lack of understanding and fear.
Hate the disease not the peripheral enabler. Forgive them for the sake of your own recovery.
Peace and strength
*if you feel this post will help another person please feel free to link or share
Categorised as: Relationships
In my experiences, I know those who interfered, truly believed that if they wanted the addict to clean up, they could pull of that magical maneuver once I had exhausted myself, my resources and my energy. In one venue I hoped they could. But once, they too were taken and disappointed time and again, and yet another gave it the old college try, the Interfering Interlopers, threw in the towel and threw it angrily, stomped on it a bit and seemed a bit more understanding as it was drug away by the neighborhood stray dog.
thank you for this insightful post! It hits home!
I love this! I made a mistake by not giving credit to the writer of this. So! Credit goes to Parent Ofaddict blog…. Thanks so much!
This is true, but I know how much they also care about my Child, so…I can live with it knowing that.
Excellent point , some theorists believe "enablers" have progression as well, and only after stages of the progression they are exhausted and able to understand their behavior , I have noticed more grandparents honking and waving in support at our rallies here in st Louis mo,
http://www.stlheroinhelp.com
Let's add dating the enabler to the list…
for a friend… their buddies can be the peripheral enablers too…hang in there.
Amen sister..been there done that
My mom is finally learning to let go with love, she cannot "fix" my child & realizes that I'm not the cause of her addiction (blaming addicts can be convincing). Peace is coming slowly, but surely even though the addict is still using….