Talk is Cheap
Many parents get caught up in the drama of addiction. They fight like MMA warriors, going round after round in the caged circle of addiction, yet never really fully change the drug drama unfolding before their eyes. The continued battle somehow justifies a parent turning a “blind eye” to their child’s addiction.
I think that new parents don’t realize that things truly have to change to have a positive impact on their child’s recovery. Some parents use the battles with their addicted children to prove to their psyches that they are in fact addressing the issue.
Their relentless struggle with their active addict is “proof” that they love this child and are staunchly against the drug use. “Talk is cheap”, if actions are not implemented to make a positive change. The arguments will continue for years, as the child is perceived to be “moderated”, thus nothing truly changes. If the addict is “safe” at home under mom and dad’s watchful yet “disapproving” eye this is acceptable. The parents’ continued chastising shows they don’t agree with their child’s drug usage but the lack of hardcore action keeps their child safely enabled at home. It’s a psychological safety net/trap.
The constant drama and arguing is a subliminal enabler’s crutch for some parents. Despite the verbal disapproval the parents enable drug usage in the home by never asking the addict to leave. There are truly NO Consequences, just bickering. Both addict and parent understand this unspoken truth and both parties win. The addict continues to use drugs in a warm home, and the parents keep the child “safe” at home.
Enablers on some level, love to feel needed by their child. Feeling needed is a positive thing and the fact that parents can keep their drug addicted child at home is the cherry on the enabling cupcake.
I had to look in the mirror when my son was actively using, and make a conscious decision.” I would not feed the addiction, If my actions feed the addiction whether directly or indirectly I will stop. I would not be a collaborator/ accessory in my son’s death due to addiction”. I would be able to look myself in the mirror if I had to bury him.
Parents need to learn to stop battling, arguing, enabling, and being codependent. Say it one time and apply the consequences. That is the only justice that addiction truly respects!
peace and strength
* Should you feel this post will help a family please feel free to link back or share.
Categorised as: Coping Skills, Relationships
This is the big challenge for parents. How do we keep our kids safe, and not enable. There is no easy answer, and we do need to decide for ourselves what is right. Enabling can prolong the addiction for years. Thanks for sharing!
As much as I hated the commitment of attending Al Anon every Monday night, and Family education day once a month, (for 18 months) those meetings saved my life, and quite possibly extended my son’s life. Thank God I can look myself in the mirror!
Attending meetings / groups with others than understand the disease can be a good first step in recovery. Like “their” meetings not all in attendance will be healthy ..but if you are careful and keep your recovery as the target you will find some amazing wisdom and some good friends.
Thanks Sherry for comment !
So Needed to read this!
Thank u Lindsay
Love this. It is also the enablers way of protecting themselves from their own fear and pain of losing their child. If the addict is under their roof they can keep them safe when we all have read about addicts who have died in their own homes, thus the illusion of control is a false belief. (no judgement of enablers, I have a black belt in it ).
Suzanne. Iactually moved out of my house and my husband once over my daughter. He had wanted her out and I couldn't do it. I had on another occasion started CPR when she had od, till the paramedics came. A parents worst nightmare. I am now narcan trained and offer the class in my group. I HOPE I never have to use it. She is sober today thank god.
Daughter is home from rehab 3 weeks, pretty sure she is using again. I just don't have it in me to kick her to the curb. I am heartsick and I just don't understand why she chooses the life of a drug addict when there are so many resources for help at her disposal. 1st week home she went to NA meetings every day, by the 2nd week started to skip a few, now has not been to a single meeting this past week. Just started a job, so she won't get paid for at least 2 weeks. Just turned 22 yesterday. She is furious we refuse to give her any $$, but we are holding firm on that. I know 28 days isn't nearly enough treatment time but even that cost us a fortune, over & above what insurance covered. Just don't have any more money to pour into a lost cause.
im not sure if after a time in active addiction they "choose" like its a choice of good / bad lifestyle. They become puppets on some level ..enslaved to the puppeteer called addiction. Her age is typical of those that are addicted and 28 days is a mere grain of sand on the beachfront of recovery… Save your dime until she is ready to commit. At some point we hope they get sick of being sick and then ( and only then ) will they begin their recovery journey. .. Most kids in recovery that I have spoken with said it was when mom & dad made it tougher to use drugs ( no home , no money, no food ) that they got their sh&t together…hope this helps
maybe a halfway house or a state funded rehab call new hope
i think when my son comes home he needs a halfway house not a good idea for him to come back here
Kathy…so sorry to hear this!! My prayers go out to YOU and your family!
Kathy, my heart goes out to you all. Have you gone to any meetings for parents of addicts? From people I know, it is both heartbreaking and helpful. I know you have been through a lot but the only one to help Steph, is herself. She has to hit rock bottom before she can change and she can't drag you down with her. Someone I love slipped a few times before she was able to start her life clean and sober but she did! Don't give up but maybe she shouldn't live at home. I will pray for all of you….
Just a FYI My daughter is sober, and living on her own. Still has a way to go with somethings, but she is strong and making changes to improve her life. I am very proud of her.
please tell her I send my love and stay strong
Thanks Theresa, she is studing for her GED and getting her health in order. She is determined to feel whole again and clean inside and out. She has a tough 6 months ahead bur she will do it. I am lucky to have her in my life, she is a special lady who doesn't give herself alot of credit. She helps out alot of people with her open, honest aproach regarding addiction.
clap, clap, clap!!!!
That's awesome it's the best thing that she could ever do for herself. I know it was for me.
I'm thrilled to hear this Linda.
Thank you guys. I appreciate the support. It was a long journey, that I don't want to go back to. But as you know it is a life time struggle and a fight. You have to stay on your guard that you dont fall back. It can happen so quickly.
That is awesome.All ya can do is go forward!!!
Thank you for all you do for us parents, your helping in so many ways!!!
Im so happy to hear that! Tell her I say hi and Im so proud of her!
Thanks Nicole. xoxo
Linda she has come such a long way- she's beautiful inside and out just like her Mom!
That's awesome news, Linda!!! ~ Sounds like she's on the right path! ~ Lots of luck 2 her!!! ~ When R we getting together 4 lunch, Linda Keough Vecchia?
We have to soon. How are you feeling
It took a long time not to enable. But, once I stopped, I was able to move on in my life, and not feel guilty. I had to take care of myself first. I still had a husband, and another child that needed me.
I love you linda
Thanks Bill! You’re right . . .
Change is coming.
Kasey
Hi Kasey – In my opinion and perhaps the opinion of others that have dealt w/ this behavior for a period of time, I would offer a few thoughts and do so with the intent of helping …
1. Oxys don’t help OCD and no one acts normal when high on opiates. Opiates are a dangerous drug. Your child is addicted.
2. If he says he is snorting one 80 …he is probably snorting five 80s…Addicts Lie and manipulate when active. It’s simply a symptom of the disease.
3. Tolerance levels will lead them to greater amounts as they need more to feel less dope sick.
4. Home Detox can kill…get professional help. Those who try to home detox their child are playing a very scary game of Russian Roulette
The Addiction Journal will provide 1 parents opinion ..but you should join a few support groups if possible. There is a great message board at soberrecovery.com ..there is a section in their message board area for parents that will offer a ton of good advice from those that have gone before you. It’s free ..it’s real and you can take what you want and leave the rest.
For me..it was taking the common denominators of all the advice of all the parents i read and met and applying to my own situation ..looking at myself in the micror and making some HARD changes that adversely affected my son ( in a positive manner ) …it is not easy but can be done! One day at a time for both parents and addicts!
As mentioned to Lisa..if nothing changes …nothing will change
peace and strength
bill
My son says oxy is the only thing that allows him to ‘act normal’ in public and helps with his OCD. He just wants a manageable amount. Is there ever a manageable amount; or does the user always increase their tolerance? He’s been taking 60 – 100 mg/day for 1 year; tried an ‘at home’ detox with failure after day 4. Advice!?!
I can not give advise because I am an enabler and I have an adult son who lives at home and uses heroin ..I hope you find the answers and share them ..I am so sorry for what you and your family is going through I have been going through it with my son for two years now and it is crippling me,and yet here I am still doing it..
Lisa … there is an old Al Anon ( i think ) saying …” if nothing changes, nothing changes”
At some point you must overcome your fear and let him sink or swim…If not he will take your life down w/in the tentacles of his addiction. Addiction will reach out and suck the life out of everyone involved.
Make a change…break free…doing something different might force your adult son to finally deal w/ his disease…
I wish u all the best.
Hi Lisa -I was also an enabler. I am also a mom of an adult addict. But about 5.5 yrs ago, I had to give him an ultimatum, you are either going for help, which I will support you in wherever you go, or you need to move out of our house. I was tired of being abused, my house was a wreck from loosing his temper and damaging doors. It hasn’t been a clean 5.5 yrs but he has been 4.5 yrs clean. He has been living in Florida and has a wonderful new baby and fiance. He has wonderful friends in the program as well down there. But, it was tough getting there. When they say “tough Love”, I never new what that was until I had to give him a choice. I was always told, by allowing a roof over his head, food on the table you are allowing him to continue with his addiction and moving him closer and closer to his death. He needs to hit rock bottom and he never will by allowing him to have the luxuries of living at home. You need to make him move on and you need to keep yourself healthy. Because when he decides to get clean, he will need you to support him. I feel so sorry for you. It is the HARDEST thing a parent can do. I know the pain and fear you have because I was there and I am so happy I made the decision to give him 2 choices and thankfully, he took the right one. Tht is why they say “One day at a time”. Good Luck and God Bless!
I have been struggling with a way to remove our son from our home for a year and a half. The problem being when he leaves my husband is the one that breaks down with worry and what ifs. They say the mom and the grandmother are the last enablers in most cases….I wouldn’t think it would be my husband! His mind goes to scary places…mine goes to good places. I feel that if he is staying with friends or other users at least there is an eye on him (being that they are high too..but better than being alone locked in his room!) My life has been put on hold and I want it back. His addiction is no longer mine to fix (never was but I have realized it now) I have assisted with drs, insurance, suboxone, detox admission, even had him hospitalized when I knew he was using because he said he would hang himself (mind you..he said it because I was going to take the cell away..but hell..I had texts to show police so I used the opportunity), helped him enroll in outpatient rehab, put him on insurance so he could look for job and sign up for school (did neither!) I feel my job here is done. I still feed him and he has a roof over his head…if I take those away will he make the decision to get clean? Maybe..maybe not..but isn’t it worth a try??????
Hi Helga…I agree..we dont throw them out…
This is my opinion on that –
http://addictionjournal.net/?p=1068
I love different opinions…we all learn
Having a child under 18 is the worst I think as we are legally obligated in my state to remain a caretaker.
It truly is a tough decision…
You cannot throw your child out if it is under age. This makes the situation a lot tougher, in my opinion.
I would rather say Opiates than Heroin because it doesn’t call to mind the picture of a scrawny dirty kid with a needle stuck up his arm lying dead in a seedy hotel room but hey that’s just me and how I like to deal with this hell. Nobody ever died from a good dose of semantics.
for me, the reason i was unable to let go was because i could not stand the feeling that letting go created in me. i held on way too long. i’m learning to live with my feelings and can now see that letting go is the only chance for me to have a life again. saying no to him means saying yes to me.
I really needed this post today. Thank you.
Before laying down the rules of our home and letting my son make the choice to stay or leave, I held on tight thinking that if I let go, my sons life would unravel and his disease would progress. I later realized that his life had already unraveled and his disease was continuing to progress under my roof. He chose to leave home in November. While I think we made the right decision in enforcing our rules, I am still not comfortable with him gone. It goes against my maternal instincts.
Yesterday my Families Anonymous daily reader page ended with “I help the most when I help the least.”
My son left with no job, no car and no money. He recently posted on his facebook page, “coming outta my cage and ive been doin just finnee.” We’ll see in time how this works out for him.
I agree. Amen to that. I think the hardest thing for me in the beginning was setting a boundary and sticking to it. I never would have done it without the support of a sponsor and my friends in the program